This week I did pay attention to my eating-and-reading chain, a habit I have that is apparently not the best for changing one's eating behavior. (Is this one of the "chains I forged in life" that Jacob Marley was warning about?) I didn't stop doing it, but I did try to pay more attention to how it was affecting me. I concluded that reading does prevent me from paying attention to what I'm eating somewhat, thereby causing some unconscious eating behavior, which is dangerous, as we know.
But it's very hard for me to stop doing it, mostly because it's a well entrenched habit. And despite my excuses for why I must continue (I don't have time to read otherwise; I tend to zone out while I eat anyway), the power of habit really is the main reason. So what to do? Should I continue to read and try to pay attention to my food? Abandon the effort altogether? Or really try to go without, just to see what happens? If I choose the last, it will be hard, I know that. But, we'll see.
I've lost 25 pounds now, which is a milestone of sorts. It's been six months, 26 weeks at about a pound a week. Not too bad considering I had to get past some holidays and birthdays and travel. The true test will come with the upcoming holiday season. I feel confident I can make it, but it will mean some extra vigilance.
I haven't been this weight since 1996. It seems strange, not like me. I'm not quite used to it yet, I guess, despite the slow progress. I enjoy the extra energy I seem to have from not carrying those 25 extra pounds. But I kind of miss my belly, too. It's been with me for a long time, after all. I felt this way when I was gaining the weight too. I remember feeling surprised to be so wide that I couldn't squeeze through narrow passages, or having difficulty bending over or twisting to the side because my bulk was in the way.
I think people who lose a lot of weight (especially if quickly) don't fully appreciate the feeling of loss that emerges, the need to mourn the old self. Part of it is because they expect only elation. Our culture is so focused on shape and size, people think that losing weight can only bring good effects, and the struggle to lose weight and change a lifetime of eating behaviors will all be worth it. But the fat person those behaviors created has come to identify with her shape and size, for good or ill. A major change in those physical characteristics requires a major adjustment in the way she sees herself, and in the way others see her as well.
My father went through this when he decided to lose weight after he was diagnosed with diabetes. He watched his mother's health deteriorate from the same disease, to the point where she had to take insulin injections and ended up losing her legs and eventually her life. He vowed he would not go down that road, so he got a diabetic eating plan and followed it religiously. It took him about a year to lose 100 pounds, but he did it. He was slim for the first time in my life, and I was in my late twenties. I thought it was pretty cool.
My father was a short man, and small framed, but his fat made him seem big. I don't think he realized what it would feel like to suddenly be so small. I could see he was struggling with that (although he did seem to enjoy buying clothes that fit him in the bright colors he preferred), and my mother, too, confessed that she wasn't completely happy with her husband's new shape. She liked him big because he made her feel small, she said, especially when he gave her one of his bear hugs.
And then there were the wrinkles. Fat fills out a person's face and limbs, areas that normally start to look pretty saggy as we age. My dad, who was around 58 at the time, would look at his newly slim face and arms and express distaste for the wrinkles he saw there. Not only was he smaller, but wrinklier too--two blows to the ego that were hard to take, even with the benefits of improved health. The unpleasant changes didn't drive him back to eating, but they did lessen the pleasure he thought he was going derive from losing weight. He didn't anticipate any negatives, so he was disappointed.
Lately I've been looking at my slimmer face and noticing the wrinkles there and in my upper arms. I'm waiting for my thighs to start sagging too. The gradualness of the weight loss helps, I think, to give the skin time to bounce back. But age is the primary cause, I'm sure. Do I want to continue to be padded so I don't look so old? No, but it would be nice to have it both ways. Alas, plastic surgery is the only way to do that, and it has its own dangers. So I guess I'll just keep working at losing weight, and try to stay aware of the changes it brings.
Today I've got a baby shower to attend. No doubt there will be food offered, so I should fortify myself a bit before I go, but not too much because I don't want to refuse everything and risk offending the hostess. I'll just have to play it by ear, I guess. Wish me luck!
See you next week.
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