Once again I've failed to post regularly to this blog. I've had the same problem with my other two blogs the last couple of weeks--I'm not sure why. But I am going to try to do better. Logging challenges as well as progress is a big help.
I've gotten into somewhat of a routine with my eating plan, but that's a recipe for complacency, as any addict would agree, so I wasn't surprised to find myself over-measuring again. That's when I push the envelope just a little too far on the cup or the tablespoon measure. Funny thing, though. I only over-measure those foods I like, such as pasta or potatoes or peanut butter, filling them to overflowing--sometimes literally. The other day I was measuring mayo the way I usually do, and found when I checked it that I had over-measured by half!
These old behaviors will come back; if they can't walk in by the front door they'll steal around to the back and sneak in. Before you know it, your weight is creeping back up and you have to start all over again. I do not want that to happen!
One realization I'm coming to--I will always be a food addict. Though I might get to the point where I can eat like a non-food-addict, I will always think about food in a different way than my naturally slender peers. My rejection of gluttony is always going to be a conscious and sometimes difficult choice.
Again, I compare my way of thinking to that of an alcoholic or gambling addict. I don't think twice about passing up an opportunity to drink, or leaving a half-drunk bottle of beer on the table. It doesn't bother me to buy only one lottery ticket or to skip buying one for weeks at a time. I don't even think about it.
I know how an alcoholic feels when I see someone I'm dining with take two bites of a luscious piece of chocolate cake, then leave the rest on his plate. I want to finish it for him, just as an alcoholic has the urge to finish the drinks of people at her table. I want to scold him for "wasting" a good piece of cake. I'm not sure I'll ever stop thinking that.
Does it make sense to give in to such urges? Oh, one could argue that we should live it up; life is short, after all. Enjoy what life has to offer, including delicious food. That would be fine, if an addicted person could stop at one piece of cake or one dish of ice cream. How much cake or ice cream constitutes enjoyment? Where does enjoyment stop and compulsion begin? Really, the enjoyment of taste doesn't last past the first few bites. After that, there's only the desire to finish the bowl, to avoid the anxiety of "good food" left uneaten. That's what we give into, really. The compulsion, not the joie de vivre.
See you next post!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Saga Continues: Week 20
Well, I've been away for a while, so I'll try to catch up with what's been happening in the last two weeks.
The week of July 4th I was visiting family, and attempting to stick (mostly) to my eating plan while also enjoying celebratory meals with family. That involved ordering a dessert that was not too fattening, eating chili that I'd prepared, eating a meal that involved carefully measured mashed potatoes (which I love), eating pizza at a restaurant, and traveling for a long distance in a car while not eating fattening snack foods. And of course there was the challenge of writing all of it down.
I think I did pretty well with all those challenges, but I was glad when we got home so I could get back to my regular routine--with one exception: my husband's birthday party with cake and ice cream, which proved to be a bit more challenging than I had thought. Fortunately, it was a small cake and we ate it quickly, but the experience left me with a reminder about bringing such foods into the house. I'm not ready, it seems, to let a chocolate cake and premium ice cream sit around for days and days, uneaten, and it's hard to justify eating a big piece of cake and a cup of ice cream every day just to "get rid of it."
I didn't weigh myself while I was on vacation since I didn't have my scale that tells me my body fat percentage, but at the beginning of the second week, starting July 10, I did weigh in and found that despite all the irregularities, I had still lost 1.2 lbs over two weeks, which isn't bad, considering. And at the end of 19 weeks, I'd lost about 19 pounds, so that's a good number and a nice slow, steady pace.
The second week was fairly routine in comparison, although I didn't get as much exercise as I'd have liked, a factor that's becoming more and more important as my weight drops. If I eat the same amount, I'll need to exercise more to keep losing weight, as the number of calories I burn exercising (or just moving around) will diminish along with my mass. So far I haven't been able to step it up much, though, mostly because I'm having trouble finding the time in my day. I need to work on that.
As I've been writing these blog posts, I've come to really appreciate the benefit of reporting my progress week after week. Skipping a week felt wrong somehow; I was anxious to get back to it today. I think it's very helpful to know that "someone" is waiting to see how things are going. I know that at least one real person is reading them (my husband), but even if no one reads them, just the act of documenting my thoughts and feelings about the program inspires me to carry on with it.
This program is about behavior, after all, and only secondarily about weight loss, so talking about my behavior around food is essential to changing that behavior.
Someday maybe I'll put these blogs together in a book. Who knows? Someone may find my insights and reports helpful. See you next week.
The week of July 4th I was visiting family, and attempting to stick (mostly) to my eating plan while also enjoying celebratory meals with family. That involved ordering a dessert that was not too fattening, eating chili that I'd prepared, eating a meal that involved carefully measured mashed potatoes (which I love), eating pizza at a restaurant, and traveling for a long distance in a car while not eating fattening snack foods. And of course there was the challenge of writing all of it down.
I think I did pretty well with all those challenges, but I was glad when we got home so I could get back to my regular routine--with one exception: my husband's birthday party with cake and ice cream, which proved to be a bit more challenging than I had thought. Fortunately, it was a small cake and we ate it quickly, but the experience left me with a reminder about bringing such foods into the house. I'm not ready, it seems, to let a chocolate cake and premium ice cream sit around for days and days, uneaten, and it's hard to justify eating a big piece of cake and a cup of ice cream every day just to "get rid of it."
I didn't weigh myself while I was on vacation since I didn't have my scale that tells me my body fat percentage, but at the beginning of the second week, starting July 10, I did weigh in and found that despite all the irregularities, I had still lost 1.2 lbs over two weeks, which isn't bad, considering. And at the end of 19 weeks, I'd lost about 19 pounds, so that's a good number and a nice slow, steady pace.
The second week was fairly routine in comparison, although I didn't get as much exercise as I'd have liked, a factor that's becoming more and more important as my weight drops. If I eat the same amount, I'll need to exercise more to keep losing weight, as the number of calories I burn exercising (or just moving around) will diminish along with my mass. So far I haven't been able to step it up much, though, mostly because I'm having trouble finding the time in my day. I need to work on that.
As I've been writing these blog posts, I've come to really appreciate the benefit of reporting my progress week after week. Skipping a week felt wrong somehow; I was anxious to get back to it today. I think it's very helpful to know that "someone" is waiting to see how things are going. I know that at least one real person is reading them (my husband), but even if no one reads them, just the act of documenting my thoughts and feelings about the program inspires me to carry on with it.
This program is about behavior, after all, and only secondarily about weight loss, so talking about my behavior around food is essential to changing that behavior.
Someday maybe I'll put these blogs together in a book. Who knows? Someone may find my insights and reports helpful. See you next week.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
This past week was somewhat challenging, mostly because I was making treat bags for my coworkers containing cookies, jelly beans and mints. I did allow myself to taste the treats, though only in small amounts instead of throwing caution to the winds and gobbling down whatever was left over, as I might have done in earlier times.
I'm gradually losing more and more weight, a fact that is not yet visible to my coworkers, apparently, though it's very evident to me. I bought some new clothes recently and found I was a size smaller. I even bought jeans, which I have not done in many years, and it felt good to be able to wear them without worrying that I look like the broad side of a barn! I'm also tickled to be able to fit into clothes I had put in the back of the closet, waiting for the time when I could wear them again. It's like having new clothes!
I feel a bit of sadness, though, as I diminish in size. I'm going to miss my fat self, I think. Being thin is akin to being ordinary, in a way (though more and more it seems fat is the new ordinary). Having an outsized appetite is womanly, strong-minded even, not frail and weak, like the child-like waif who says, "Oh, I couldn't eat another bite!" I'm going to miss that mark of substance. But as Shirley would probably say, I can be strong-minded in a healthy way; I can show my substance by not overfeeding myself.
All of these are good reasons to lose weight slowly. It seems like it's taking forever, but I need time to adjust--to new eating habits, smaller size clothes, and new ways of thinking about myself. Such adjustments are not possible when the goal is to lose weight quickly. So I'm going to enjoy the slow pace of my transformation, and maybe it will be permanent!
And I'll keep you posted with each tiny step.
I'm gradually losing more and more weight, a fact that is not yet visible to my coworkers, apparently, though it's very evident to me. I bought some new clothes recently and found I was a size smaller. I even bought jeans, which I have not done in many years, and it felt good to be able to wear them without worrying that I look like the broad side of a barn! I'm also tickled to be able to fit into clothes I had put in the back of the closet, waiting for the time when I could wear them again. It's like having new clothes!
I feel a bit of sadness, though, as I diminish in size. I'm going to miss my fat self, I think. Being thin is akin to being ordinary, in a way (though more and more it seems fat is the new ordinary). Having an outsized appetite is womanly, strong-minded even, not frail and weak, like the child-like waif who says, "Oh, I couldn't eat another bite!" I'm going to miss that mark of substance. But as Shirley would probably say, I can be strong-minded in a healthy way; I can show my substance by not overfeeding myself.
All of these are good reasons to lose weight slowly. It seems like it's taking forever, but I need time to adjust--to new eating habits, smaller size clothes, and new ways of thinking about myself. Such adjustments are not possible when the goal is to lose weight quickly. So I'm going to enjoy the slow pace of my transformation, and maybe it will be permanent!
And I'll keep you posted with each tiny step.
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