Well, it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been continuing to work the program, though not always successfully. I've been finding it hard to eat things that slim people occasionally eat--like cake, ice cream, pie, doughnuts, cookies, chips--without triggering cravings for those foods and a feeling of longing after just one.
The other day I had ice cream and cake for my birthday, but after I had eaten a rather large serving, I was feeling frightened by the desire to eat some more as soon as possible. I wanted to resist the powerful urge to finish them off, to get rid of them (by eating them, of course), as if they were radioactive. So I decided to put them into the freezer and have them at another holiday occasion, Memorial Day.
I tried to think what a slim person would do with leftover cake and ice cream. She wouldn't feel compelled to eat the cake and ice cream as quickly as possible. She wouldn't be consumed with thoughts of the treats waiting in the refrigerator until a socially acceptable time to eat dessert arrived. She'd probably ignore them until a festive occasion prompted eating such foods--a special occasion. She wouldn't be thinking, "Oh, there's cake left, let's eat it." She wouldn't feel as though good cake was going to waste just because it wasn't being consumed.
I never feel that way about alcoholic beverages. I never think good beer is going to waste just because it's sitting in the refrigerator for days or weeks. I don't think about the leftover whisky I might happen to have in my cupboard, even if it sits there a year.
That's how slim people feel about treats--they don't. They enjoy eating them when they have them, but they stop when they're satiated. And they don't feel compelled to continue to eat past satiation, just because the treats are sitting on the plate or in the refrigerator or the cupboard.
I'd like to be at that place someday, where I'm enjoying food without compulsion, but it's not going to happen any time soon. Meanwhile, I have to take steps to prevent the overeating that will inevitably follow the eating of any of my "trigger" foods.
It's all part of the process of learning to be thin. See you next time.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Let's Hear It for Science!
I've neglected my blog for a while, mostly due to ennui and being on the road, but I'm back!
I'm at the point now where I'm struggling to stay on track. I've not lost weight in the last two weeks; in fact I've gained .6 lbs after losing .8 since I last posted. So that means I've lost about .2 lbs in three weeks.
But it's not about the losing and never really has been. The problem now seems to be that I'm stuck on a few stubborn behaviors that don't want to change. One of them is not paying attention while I eat: I'm still eating too fast and not really tasting and enjoying the food. Another is not writing down what I've eaten. I'm still very lax in that regard. A third is eating foods that are not on my diet plan without accounting for them in some way.
This third is the most difficult to deal with. Perhaps I shouldn't have skipped that step where I deal with extra-diet foods by calling them "controlled trades" (127) and monitoring them. With the controlled trade technique, I am supposed to know ahead of time what foods I want to eat, then plan what foods on the diet plan will be the controlled trades. Otherwise, it's just an uncontrolled cheat and counts as a minus in the "right?" column.
So far, I've been saying that I'm experimenting with "normal" eating behavior by eating these foods and calling them okay and not deviations. That's not good. It's a form of unconsciousness and needs to stop.
For example, the other day, someone brought in doughnuts to share and I had one. A doughnut is a highly caloric food--fats and carbohydrates galore. Probably the one I ate was at least 300 calories. It was extra, plain and simple. I justified it by telling myself that once in a while I could have a doughnut like a normal person.
But I need to stop calling these deviations "experiments," I think, because I feel the urge to conduct more and more such "scientific" explorations, which really are just attempts by my fat self to get back into the driver's seat.
So, what to do instead? Well, if I want to do real experiments, I should use proper procedures. Shirley Simon's "controlled trade" method is that kind of procedure. When I want to have something not on my diet plan, I should plan ahead. And I'm only supposed to have so many of those trades. Since I've been on the diet for 63 weeks, I should be allowed 60 trades. That's too many, obviously, since it's about 9 per day. Shirley says I should still be eating the main diet most of the time. So let's say I eat about 20 different trade-able foods per day; at least ten of them have to be normal diet items. I'm not doing that most days, and don't really want to.
But let's take the case of that doughnut. If I'd planned ahead, I could have the donut, but only it it were a small, plain one. The one I had was not very small and it had chocolate frosting on it. But if I had the plain one, it would have been considered a Saturday special (a once-a-week extra that doesn't have to be traded), not a regular trade. And then, I needed to use the "thin gourmet" technique to really savor the treat once I'm eating it. After all, from what I've observed, that's how thin people eat.
So using the controlled trade technique is how I should be handling this "normal" eating behavior experimentation. I'm going to try harder this week to do that instead of just eating whatever I want and calling it an experiment.
Let's hear it for science! See you next time.
I'm at the point now where I'm struggling to stay on track. I've not lost weight in the last two weeks; in fact I've gained .6 lbs after losing .8 since I last posted. So that means I've lost about .2 lbs in three weeks.
But it's not about the losing and never really has been. The problem now seems to be that I'm stuck on a few stubborn behaviors that don't want to change. One of them is not paying attention while I eat: I'm still eating too fast and not really tasting and enjoying the food. Another is not writing down what I've eaten. I'm still very lax in that regard. A third is eating foods that are not on my diet plan without accounting for them in some way.
This third is the most difficult to deal with. Perhaps I shouldn't have skipped that step where I deal with extra-diet foods by calling them "controlled trades" (127) and monitoring them. With the controlled trade technique, I am supposed to know ahead of time what foods I want to eat, then plan what foods on the diet plan will be the controlled trades. Otherwise, it's just an uncontrolled cheat and counts as a minus in the "right?" column.
So far, I've been saying that I'm experimenting with "normal" eating behavior by eating these foods and calling them okay and not deviations. That's not good. It's a form of unconsciousness and needs to stop.
For example, the other day, someone brought in doughnuts to share and I had one. A doughnut is a highly caloric food--fats and carbohydrates galore. Probably the one I ate was at least 300 calories. It was extra, plain and simple. I justified it by telling myself that once in a while I could have a doughnut like a normal person.
But I need to stop calling these deviations "experiments," I think, because I feel the urge to conduct more and more such "scientific" explorations, which really are just attempts by my fat self to get back into the driver's seat.
So, what to do instead? Well, if I want to do real experiments, I should use proper procedures. Shirley Simon's "controlled trade" method is that kind of procedure. When I want to have something not on my diet plan, I should plan ahead. And I'm only supposed to have so many of those trades. Since I've been on the diet for 63 weeks, I should be allowed 60 trades. That's too many, obviously, since it's about 9 per day. Shirley says I should still be eating the main diet most of the time. So let's say I eat about 20 different trade-able foods per day; at least ten of them have to be normal diet items. I'm not doing that most days, and don't really want to.
But let's take the case of that doughnut. If I'd planned ahead, I could have the donut, but only it it were a small, plain one. The one I had was not very small and it had chocolate frosting on it. But if I had the plain one, it would have been considered a Saturday special (a once-a-week extra that doesn't have to be traded), not a regular trade. And then, I needed to use the "thin gourmet" technique to really savor the treat once I'm eating it. After all, from what I've observed, that's how thin people eat.
So using the controlled trade technique is how I should be handling this "normal" eating behavior experimentation. I'm going to try harder this week to do that instead of just eating whatever I want and calling it an experiment.
Let's hear it for science! See you next time.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
No U-Turns Allowed
This week was a difficult one. There were no particularly challenging moments, nothing out of the ordinary, but nevertheless, I felt myself sliding back into my old eating habits, and that concerns me.
That old unconsciousness is creeping back. One way it manifests itself is through not writing down what I eat. If I don't write it down, I forget I ate it. Then later in the day, I don't remember that I've already eaten more than I should that day so I go ahead and eat something else I shouldn't. Writing it down makes it conscious, and that's crucial.
For instance, I might pass by a coworker's candy dish and grab a piece of candy, go back to my cubicle, then pop it in my mouth while I'm working. It's gone quickly, along with my memory of eating it. Eating only at a designated spot (not my computer, by the way) and then writing down what I ate are two techniques designed to keep that kind of unconscious eating from happening. Writing down what I'm going to eat is also a way to prevent rogue eating episodes. I haven't been doing that one, but I'm just starting to see the value of it.
Another sign of unconsciousness is not measuring ("eyeballing"), or allowing measurement creep. If I pretend I measured it or that I measured it correctly, I can pretend I ate the right amount when I really didn't. It's a kind of magical thinking.
And then there's the problem of eating quickly and unthinkingly, putting away what's on my plate until it's gone and I'm uncomfortably full and I don't know how I got that way. (See above: measurement magic.) If I'm paying attention, I will stop eating when I'm full, even if I measured correctly. Reading can be a distractor, as can conversing sometimes.
Lest I forget, there's the compulsive "cleaning up" behavior--eating the bits left over in the pan or the serving dish that somehow don't count because they're left over. Magical thinking again.
All of this unconscious behavior allows the compulsive eater in me to take control of my thinking mind and--if not stopped--will put me right back where I was a year ago.
So, what to do? Go back to the basics, I suppose. I want to eat like a thin person, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm eating like a fat person, someone who is inordinately fond of . . . I was going to say food, but that's not it, really. It seems the food is less important than something else, something more compelling. Perhaps it's the desire for self indulgence, giving oneself a treat, rewarding oneself or comforting oneself with food. Whatever the reason, the behavior is compulsive, and it's fat-person behavior. A thin person would not eat the way I eat.
Will I ever be able to eat in a thin-person way? Well, I might be able to eat that way, but I will probably never think that way. As I've said before, it seems I'm always going to have to be vigilant in order to stay thin.
So this week, I'm going to try to be more vigilant and remember that my eating self is always looking for a way back in, a way to take the wheel again and drive us back to fat city. But I'm not going to let her!
See you next week, a little ways down the road to being thin.
That old unconsciousness is creeping back. One way it manifests itself is through not writing down what I eat. If I don't write it down, I forget I ate it. Then later in the day, I don't remember that I've already eaten more than I should that day so I go ahead and eat something else I shouldn't. Writing it down makes it conscious, and that's crucial.
For instance, I might pass by a coworker's candy dish and grab a piece of candy, go back to my cubicle, then pop it in my mouth while I'm working. It's gone quickly, along with my memory of eating it. Eating only at a designated spot (not my computer, by the way) and then writing down what I ate are two techniques designed to keep that kind of unconscious eating from happening. Writing down what I'm going to eat is also a way to prevent rogue eating episodes. I haven't been doing that one, but I'm just starting to see the value of it.
Another sign of unconsciousness is not measuring ("eyeballing"), or allowing measurement creep. If I pretend I measured it or that I measured it correctly, I can pretend I ate the right amount when I really didn't. It's a kind of magical thinking.
And then there's the problem of eating quickly and unthinkingly, putting away what's on my plate until it's gone and I'm uncomfortably full and I don't know how I got that way. (See above: measurement magic.) If I'm paying attention, I will stop eating when I'm full, even if I measured correctly. Reading can be a distractor, as can conversing sometimes.
Lest I forget, there's the compulsive "cleaning up" behavior--eating the bits left over in the pan or the serving dish that somehow don't count because they're left over. Magical thinking again.
All of this unconscious behavior allows the compulsive eater in me to take control of my thinking mind and--if not stopped--will put me right back where I was a year ago.
So, what to do? Go back to the basics, I suppose. I want to eat like a thin person, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm eating like a fat person, someone who is inordinately fond of . . . I was going to say food, but that's not it, really. It seems the food is less important than something else, something more compelling. Perhaps it's the desire for self indulgence, giving oneself a treat, rewarding oneself or comforting oneself with food. Whatever the reason, the behavior is compulsive, and it's fat-person behavior. A thin person would not eat the way I eat.
Will I ever be able to eat in a thin-person way? Well, I might be able to eat that way, but I will probably never think that way. As I've said before, it seems I'm always going to have to be vigilant in order to stay thin.
So this week, I'm going to try to be more vigilant and remember that my eating self is always looking for a way back in, a way to take the wheel again and drive us back to fat city. But I'm not going to let her!
See you next week, a little ways down the road to being thin.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Some Challenges But No Major Disasters
Well, I managed to lose .8 pounds this week despite a few challenges. Coworkers brought in food that I did partake of, although in small amounts. On Monday, there was a delicious cake that I split with a coworker, and on Tuesday, a little tiny lunch from another coworker that was so beautiful and thoughtful, I ate it all, despite its being less protein than I usually like to have.
The rest of the week was normal, and I tried to keep up my exercise as much as possible. Today is Easter, and fortunately, I don't have an Easter basket to consume, so I'll make do with a special pot roast meal and possibly some ice cream. We'll see.
It'll be another six or seven months before I get to goal weight, so I guess there's no rush. I'm still aware every day of my potential for slipping down that slope, so I think I'll make it.
This week I tried to eat more slowly, something I'm still having trouble with. I can stretch out dinner pretty well, but breakfast and lunch still seem pretty short--15 minutes or less. I think I should take at least 20 minutes for my meals, so I'm going to try to work on that more this coming week.
Until next time!
The rest of the week was normal, and I tried to keep up my exercise as much as possible. Today is Easter, and fortunately, I don't have an Easter basket to consume, so I'll make do with a special pot roast meal and possibly some ice cream. We'll see.
It'll be another six or seven months before I get to goal weight, so I guess there's no rush. I'm still aware every day of my potential for slipping down that slope, so I think I'll make it.
This week I tried to eat more slowly, something I'm still having trouble with. I can stretch out dinner pretty well, but breakfast and lunch still seem pretty short--15 minutes or less. I think I should take at least 20 minutes for my meals, so I'm going to try to work on that more this coming week.
Until next time!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Last 20 Pounds
This week was a more normal week of eating mostly allowed foods and exercising just about every day, so I did manage to lose 0.8 pounds, or about the normal amount for me.
I'm still having trouble writing down my intake, so this week I'm going to try (again) to do better with that.
I think I'm getting to the "last 20 pounds" threshold. Veteran dieters say that the last 20 pounds are the hardest to lose, which makes sense, since the less weight you have, the less energy it takes to haul that smaller carcass around. That means that the number of calories consumed and the amount of exercise I do now are not going to be enough before long. I'm going to have to step it up.
So this week I'm going to examine ways to do that without getting too hungry and going off my eating plan.
Wish me luck.
I'm still having trouble writing down my intake, so this week I'm going to try (again) to do better with that.
I think I'm getting to the "last 20 pounds" threshold. Veteran dieters say that the last 20 pounds are the hardest to lose, which makes sense, since the less weight you have, the less energy it takes to haul that smaller carcass around. That means that the number of calories consumed and the amount of exercise I do now are not going to be enough before long. I'm going to have to step it up.
So this week I'm going to examine ways to do that without getting too hungry and going off my eating plan.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Demon Chocolate's Return
Well, this week I tried again to eat trail mix, and found I still could not just leave it alone after a few bites. The trail mix I bought was 50 calories per tablespoon, so I couldn't eat very much of it without going overboard. But having it sitting there in my cubicle, I just kept going back to it until I found and ate all the chocolate candy pieces and the almonds and the cranberries--the stuff I liked. I did finally throw the peanuts and raisins away. But I'm sure my "experiment" amounted to 300 or more extra calories consumed.
But it wasn't just the calories; it was the loss of control and the unhappy realization that I can't just lightly snack on anything that has chocolate candy in it. I also had a piece of Indian New Year coffee cake that one of my coworkers brought in. It was good, and I didn't feel out of control eating it, but it was extra. Plus, this week I didn't exercise every day as I usually do, so it's no wonder I gained almost a pound.
Apparently, I'm still at the lowest coping level with chocolate candy: Level VII - Avoiding or eliminating the stimulus. Will it ever change? I don't know, but I guess I need to stop testing myself until I'm really ready to take on the challenge, using Shirley Simon's zeroing-in technique.
Shirley's technique with cherry pie (her nemesis) was to very gradually ascend through the coping levels, from highest to lowest:
I. Face to face without any help
II. Face to face under safe conditions
III. Competing response: keep your hands busy
IV. Competing response: keep your mouth busy
V. Competing response: eat the right food
VI. Making the stimulus hard to get
VII. Avoiding or eliminating the stimulus
She started out at level VII and then gradually took on cherry pie at the various levels: bringing it into the house but not eating it, and showing that she could be around the pie by doing other things such as eating fruit or drinking coffee. When she finally reached level I, she could eat a small piece of pie and not eat any more of it, in private with no help from hubby.
Do I want to have that kind of control over chocolate candy? It would mean having only one piece of chocolate a week, for instance. Right now I'm thinking, what's the point? But that says to me that chocolate is not food, it's a drug, since the only way to consume it is to overconsume it to obtain whatever effect it provides. Can one obtain that effect from just one piece of chocolate? That's a good question. But a better one is: Why risk it?
It's like the question of drinking coffee with caffeine or not, or even drinking coffee at all. There are benefits to caffeine; it stimulates the brain and possibly the metabolism. Coffee tastes good, even if it's decaffeinated. But the consequences for me are an increase in heart flutters and a painful bladder. I don't know if the benefits outweigh the harms.
If I ask the same question about chocolate, what do I answer? Benefits: good feeling, taste bud pleasure. Harms: eat too much and gain weight, put too much fat into body, hurt bladder. If I could eat just a little chocolate, would I get the same amount of benefit? I don't think so. I suspect that the benefit comes from eating a lot of chocolate. As it turns out, people have done studies on that question (mostly funded by candy companies). Here's one website's review of the chocolate research: Chocolate's Potential Health Benefits.
I found the word "potential" in the title to be important because when I look at the research as a whole, the results are inconclusive, and there still lingers the question of how much chocolate is enough. If the amount that produces benefits will also produce obesity and fat-related illnesses, is it worth it? And if the benefit-producing amount is small, can a chocolate-addicted person stop at that amount?
I think I'll just stick with other healthy foods for now and leave chocolate alone. Maybe someday I'll take it on and get to coping level one. In the meantime . . .
I'm hoping to have a less challenging week coming up. Wish me luck.
But it wasn't just the calories; it was the loss of control and the unhappy realization that I can't just lightly snack on anything that has chocolate candy in it. I also had a piece of Indian New Year coffee cake that one of my coworkers brought in. It was good, and I didn't feel out of control eating it, but it was extra. Plus, this week I didn't exercise every day as I usually do, so it's no wonder I gained almost a pound.
Apparently, I'm still at the lowest coping level with chocolate candy: Level VII - Avoiding or eliminating the stimulus. Will it ever change? I don't know, but I guess I need to stop testing myself until I'm really ready to take on the challenge, using Shirley Simon's zeroing-in technique.
Shirley's technique with cherry pie (her nemesis) was to very gradually ascend through the coping levels, from highest to lowest:
I. Face to face without any help
II. Face to face under safe conditions
III. Competing response: keep your hands busy
IV. Competing response: keep your mouth busy
V. Competing response: eat the right food
VI. Making the stimulus hard to get
VII. Avoiding or eliminating the stimulus
She started out at level VII and then gradually took on cherry pie at the various levels: bringing it into the house but not eating it, and showing that she could be around the pie by doing other things such as eating fruit or drinking coffee. When she finally reached level I, she could eat a small piece of pie and not eat any more of it, in private with no help from hubby.
Do I want to have that kind of control over chocolate candy? It would mean having only one piece of chocolate a week, for instance. Right now I'm thinking, what's the point? But that says to me that chocolate is not food, it's a drug, since the only way to consume it is to overconsume it to obtain whatever effect it provides. Can one obtain that effect from just one piece of chocolate? That's a good question. But a better one is: Why risk it?
It's like the question of drinking coffee with caffeine or not, or even drinking coffee at all. There are benefits to caffeine; it stimulates the brain and possibly the metabolism. Coffee tastes good, even if it's decaffeinated. But the consequences for me are an increase in heart flutters and a painful bladder. I don't know if the benefits outweigh the harms.
If I ask the same question about chocolate, what do I answer? Benefits: good feeling, taste bud pleasure. Harms: eat too much and gain weight, put too much fat into body, hurt bladder. If I could eat just a little chocolate, would I get the same amount of benefit? I don't think so. I suspect that the benefit comes from eating a lot of chocolate. As it turns out, people have done studies on that question (mostly funded by candy companies). Here's one website's review of the chocolate research: Chocolate's Potential Health Benefits.
I found the word "potential" in the title to be important because when I look at the research as a whole, the results are inconclusive, and there still lingers the question of how much chocolate is enough. If the amount that produces benefits will also produce obesity and fat-related illnesses, is it worth it? And if the benefit-producing amount is small, can a chocolate-addicted person stop at that amount?
I think I'll just stick with other healthy foods for now and leave chocolate alone. Maybe someday I'll take it on and get to coping level one. In the meantime . . .
I'm hoping to have a less challenging week coming up. Wish me luck.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The March Madness Challenge
This week was challenging because of March Madness Wings Day at work. I was in charge of making it happen, which meant that I had to order the wings we'd be eating. Of course, I had to ensure they tasted good, so I tried some the day before, and then I had to eat some at the luncheon, too. And when there were leftover wings, I had to take some home because I knew how much they cost and didn't want to waste any (sound familiar?).
Well, with so many excuses for eating wings, of course I got to eat quite a few this week. I don't think it hurt my diet too much in terms of calories, but in terms of reviving old cravings, the fatty wings created some problems. I found myself wanting to eat more fat, but worse perhaps, I started to think I could eat it with impunity. Once I realized I was slipping back into that old mentality, I pulled back. But the experience let me know, once again, that I'm never going to be out of the woods. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to live with that and stay vigilant.
Otherwise, I had a fairly successful week, though I'm still having trouble recording my eating. I need to contemplate how to make that process more helpful so I'll keep up with it. I'll try to do better this week and report my progress next weekend.
Until then . . .
Well, with so many excuses for eating wings, of course I got to eat quite a few this week. I don't think it hurt my diet too much in terms of calories, but in terms of reviving old cravings, the fatty wings created some problems. I found myself wanting to eat more fat, but worse perhaps, I started to think I could eat it with impunity. Once I realized I was slipping back into that old mentality, I pulled back. But the experience let me know, once again, that I'm never going to be out of the woods. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to live with that and stay vigilant.
Otherwise, I had a fairly successful week, though I'm still having trouble recording my eating. I need to contemplate how to make that process more helpful so I'll keep up with it. I'll try to do better this week and report my progress next weekend.
Until then . . .
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