Slips or Forays into Terra Incognito?

This past week I had intended to start the next step in the Learn to Be Thin program, Clue Finding, but didn't fare too well with that. All of my "slips" were consciously made, and so didn't feel like slips to me.  That's a dilemma I have with this eating plan--in trying to eat more like a "normal" person, I eat things that are not on the eating plan. How do I count those? Should I count them as slips, as unauthorized deviations from the diet plan, or as what Shirley calls "controlled cheats"--planned additions accounted for with subtractions elsewhere?

But the controlled cheats are very restricted on the plan--I suppose that's for a good reason.  Most food addicts would go hog-wild if left to their own devices, especially early in the process.  I understand the necessity for restrictions, but at this stage, I believe venturing out into "normal" territory is important to learning to be thin and that I need to make those forays when the opportunities present themselves (not every day, of course).

So for instance, when John and I went to the company holiday party this past week, I ate a piece of chocolate cake, a decision I made on the spur of the moment.  It was small, but very good.  I tried to eat it slowly and enjoy it.  The meal was good also, though not exceptional (a bit greasy, actually), but I ate that slowly too.  I don't consider these decisions slips, though they probably do slow down my weight loss progress.  They are occasions for exercising control, for asking myself if I really want or need to eat that particular food at that moment and then answering honestly.

Maybe those are the incidents I can be investigating.  Not the slips, but the choices to eat as a normal, non-food-addicted person would eat.  Perhaps I'll try that this week--really interrogate my "normal" eating choices.  Are they as free as I think they are?

Stay tuned next week for the answer.

Week 42: Step 9 - The Clue Finding Technique

I had a pretty good week this week, even lost a tiny bit of weight, though there were some challenges.  I was sick for a few days and found myself wanting to turn to food for comfort.  I had forgotten about the Sickly Subterfuge--it's been so long since I've been sick.  I successfully resisted the urge to give myself hot chocolate with whipped cream and instead settled for a nice hot cabbage-beet soup. Yum! It was pretty good, actually, and did the trick of providing comfort.

I was also challenged by the High Tea party we had at work this week. I was asked to make banana bread and did so, but then I was faced with the decision to have some or not.  I decided to have a piece, just to see if it was edible (excuse?).  Then at the tea party I had another piece.  The excuse for that piece was that the fare at the tea party fell a little short of adequate sustenance--there were too many carbs and not enough protein. I'm not sure how the banana bread helped with that, though . . .

Fortunately, the tea partiers ate about half the loaf; I gave the rest to my coworkers who didn't attend the tea party.  I saved one piece for John, who later gave me a bite when he ate it.  I think that may be the first time I've baked since I started on this diet, so I guess I did alright, even with those small indulgences.

Turning back to Learn to Be Thin, I see that I've reached the next phase in the behavior modification plan: "Extra Help Techniques" (156).  The first technique, which is also Step 9, is the Clue-Finding Technique. In this step I must scrutinize all the times I did not stick to the diet plan and find clues for why I veered from the path.  And then I need to write down the information I obtained from my analysis. For instance, I sometimes eat a spippet of this or that after supper, when I'm cleaning up or before supper when I'm cooking.  Doesn't seem like much, but it is a behavior that is unconscious and likely to lead to more serious behavior later.  So, I should ask myself what brought it on? Doing the 5 W's, as I did when I first compiled my Eating Problems list, will help me find the clues to keep myself from continuing the behavior.

So for instance, last night when I was cleaning up the steak grilling pan after dinner, I saw a bit of steak and popped it into my mouth.  Five Ws:  Who? Me and John, who's waiting for the dirty dishes to wash. What?  Eating bit of steak.  When? While cleaning up.  Where? In the kitchen.  Why? Because it was there and looked tasty (especially because it was greasy, I think).  The point is I didn't think about it; I just responded automatically to the stimulus of seeing a bit of tasty food unclaimed and about to be thrown away (the "waste not, want not" subterfuge).

This kind of technique helps because if I see this behavior happening frequently, there's probably a pattern to it, one that I can disrupt somehow.  I need to do something to get between the stimulus and the response and prevent the behavior.  And once again, that's the ultimate goal--to stop automatic, compulsive eating that leads to overweight.

So, this week I will begin this new technique, leaving room in my recordkeeping for the notetaking about what Shirley calls "slips," whether large or small.

I'll let you know how I fare next week.

Decision Point

I had a good week this past week, despite a couple of "special occasion" challenges. I still managed to lose 1.8 lbs, which is better than I do most weeks. Now I may end up not losing anything next week, but that's okay. What's important, as ever, is what I learned this past week.

One thing I am trying to do is exercise every day. I do a bit of dancing every morning such that I miss it if I don't do it.  That may be helping some. All of these things contribute toward weight loss--permanent weight loss.

The key to this whole program, I believe, is making better decisions.  That is what I and everyone else on this kind of a behavior modification plan is learning--how to make better decisions.  Of course, first we have to recognize that we've made ineffective decisions in the past; then we must understand that we can make different, more effective decisions in the present.  Notice I didn't say "future"; decisions about eating behavior can only be made in the present.  Many a diet program has been waylayed by the "I'll start tomorrow" promise that's never fulfilled.  What can we do now to help ourselves to a healthier body? Those are the decisions we can learn to make.

So, for instance, yesterday I celebrated my anniversary with a nice rib-eye steak and some asparagus.  I had decided to save a little food from earlier meals that day to use at dinner time.  I worried that I might be too hungry, but it ended up being okay.  I was hungry, but I was able to wait (with the help of a snack). That meant I could eat a larger piece of steak than I was allowed at suppertime without feeling guilty.  Because I consciously made that exchange, I succeeded in having a special meal.  And what's better is I controlled my eating rather than letting it control me.

I made similar decisions at a luncheon celebration at work the other day.  I got a buffet meal, but didn't use it as an excuse to eat everything in sight (something I would've done in the past).  I ate lots of vegetables and some nice pieces of meat, but didn't indulge in extra bread or butter.  And I didn't eat any of the pumpkin pie or cookies or brownies that were on offer.  Interestingly, once I'd finished my meal I decided something sweet would be nice.  I looked at what they had for fruit and decided a single piece of pineapple and a chunk of watermelon would do the trick, so that's what I brought back to my table.  No one said a word about my choices (I was a little worried someone might tease me); moreover, I was right--that was just enough sweetness and I didn't overindulge in dessert.

I really think that people who devise diets and sell them in highly hyped books or videos are missing the point.  They can put together intricate menu plans and food lists and discuss physiology and metabolism and the complex chemistry of carbohydrates, proteins, fats, vitamins and minerals in magazines, books, on TV shows and internet sites, but none of that is going to do a bit of good if the person following the "amazing" diet plan continues to make the same bad decisions she's been making for years.

The diet is only part of the plan; the rest has to be behavior change.

It's that simple--it's just not that easy.  But it is absolutely essential to success.

See you next week.

Thanksgiving Challenge

Okay, the holidays are seriously upon us, bringing their serious challenges! As any veteran dieter knows, the end-of-the-year holidays can be responsible for blowing the most dedicated diet reformer's best laid plans.

I was definitely challenged this past Thanksgiving week, but I think I did pretty well, considering. I tried to confine myself to just one day of slightly overindulging--Thanksgiving--instead of my usual pattern of beginning my binge a week before Halloween and ending after Valentine's Day. I didn't quite make my one-day goal (I ate Thanksgiving leftovers on Friday), but I did get quickly back to normal on Saturday, and I feel like I can stay away from temptation until Christmas, at least. 

There are a few days of luncheons and holiday parties coming up the first two weeks of December, though.  So I'm going to have to be careful about choosing well, remembering that a meal ordered off the menu is one I can control.

Sometimes I feel nostalgic for the old days when I didn't care what I ate. I miss that spectacular self-indulgence, especially at this time of year. But it's just something that can't be sustained; the behavior becomes addictive and the effects accumulate. Besides, there are many compensations. I'm enjoying being able to fit into smaller clothes and smaller spaces. I'm happy when I see left over space beside me on my bus seat because it means fellow passengers won't mind sitting with me now since I'm not taking up a seat and a half. I like having more energy, more vertical movement that doesn't hurt. I'm looking forward to the day when I can run again (if my knees hold out, that is), and shop at a regular clothing store instead of one for plus sizes.

People without eating disorders don't appreciate what it takes for a former fatty to stay slim.  But what people with eating disorders need to appreciate is that they can do this--it's hard, but possible.  You don't need a magic diet elixir or an expensive diet program complete with bad tasting diet food.  You just need a good plan, and this is a really good plan.  All you have to do is follow it.  Simple? Yes.  Easy? No.  But possible.

There's nothing special about me.  I'm a food addict who's been through the diet mill over and over, just like many other people.  If I can do it, anyone can do it.  As Anthony Hopkins' character says in the movie The Edge, "What one man can do, another man can do."  He is talking about killing a grizzly bear with no weapons other than what he can devise from his surroundings. We're only talking about controlling eating habits.  Anthony Hopkins succeeds in his quest--he kills the grizzly--with a good plan and the help of Alec Baldwin (who later tries to kill him--but that's another story). 

Though the task sometimes seems as tough as killing a grizzly, we too can succeed.  We can control our eating behavior with the help of a good plan and the support of other people. I have both with Learn to Be Thin and my husband John.

Remember: what one person can do, another person can do. 

See you next week.

Looking at Pros and Cons

I skipped last week's update; I guess I didn't have much to say.

This week, things are going along about the same, although I'm trying to step up my exercise minutes a bit. I know that unless I do, I'll get diminishing returns on weight loss because as I lose weight, I'm using fewer calories.

I think I'm going to abandon the technique of writing food down before I eat it (step 8). It doesn't seem to have a use that I can discern; plus I keep forgetting to do it. But I'm still writing things down, still measuring and weighing, despite its being somewhat tedious sometimes.

I've been eating a lot of the same foods every day, which is fine, I guess. It's convenient and quick to make the same lunch every day because I don't have to think much about it. And it's satisfying to eat; it fills me up and I know I'll be okay (not hungry) for a couple of hours.  When I change foods, sometimes they don't work as well to stave off hunger.  Then I'm kind of stuck because I don't know what to eat. I'm not bored with the same lunches or even the same breakfasts every day, though I do like a little variety for dinner. It's good that I'm not bored because it means that I'm looking at food as nourishment rather than entertainment. Whatever works is what I'll eat. I think sometimes that's how thin people feel about food.

I guess I can gradually introduce new foods into my diet that prove to be effective at fending off blood sugar woes.

I continue to make decisions about high-fat and high-sugar foods. This past week my coworker offered chocolate at her cubicle--those Hershey's miniatures, which I love.  I was going to have one until I looked up the calories at the Hershey's website: Hershey's Chocolate.  There's 43 calories in each little bite-size bar. Half is fat.  So if I wanted to call it fat, I guess I could eat one, but otherwise, as an "Extra" (<50 cal), it's not worth it, since it would be the only one I ate that day.   As for calling it a fat, since I'm allowed only three fats per day, I can't waste one on a little piece of chocolate that's gone in a few seconds.

This is the kind of lesson I'm learning from following Shirley.  To make conscious choices is the goal in an eating plan like this.  Weighing and measuring and checking calories all give me information I need to make rational decisions about what to eat, instead of giving in to impulse or pressure from peers or the con of clever subterfuges.

So I'll continue on, doing what I'm doing, as long as it keeps working to teach me how to be thin!

See you next time.

Learning to Be Thin: Tricks and Treats

I'm still losing, which is good, and still learning, which is better!

This week was a short work week, so I spent part of it eating at home--always easier because I can eat things that I can't bring to work, like fried eggs and toast, one of my favorites. 

But it was also Halloween week.  John and I avoided the Halloween candy challenge altogether this year by not buying any candy and lying low in the house with the lights off upstairs until the whole trick-or-treat thing was over. I was going to try to buy only candy we didn't like, but John requested the moratorium, so I went along with it.  At first, I didn't think it would work because kids might ring our doorbell anyway and it would be kind of annoying.  But that didn't happen, so we spent a peaceful evening and afterward didn't have Halloween candy left over and lurking.   Of course, people at work had some on offer, but since I didn't go to work until November 2nd, I avoided most of it and didn't eat any of what was still left by Wednesday.

I did go out to lunch once this week for a celebration, and succeeded in choosing food that was mostly allowed on my meal plan, taking half of it back to work afterward.  So that worked out too.  It wasn't easy, but instead of focusing on food (something I would've done not long ago), I focused on conversing with my coworkers while secretly observing their eating behavior.  For instance, I noticed my thin colleagues didn't finish all the food on their plates, while one of my obese colleagues ate everything on his plate and then took offered leftovers from a thin colleague. Poor man--he was a victim of the "I hate to see good food go to waste" subterfuge. I would've fallen for that one myself not long ago, but this time I didn't bite (ha!).

I took a few longing glances at my boss's uneaten french fries, though, telling myself that they looked kind of pale and cold and not worth eating.  I doubt if he had ever intended to eat them; they just came with the sandwich and he simply ignored them.  Need I mention he's Fred-Astaire-thin?

I find this kind of "research" very helpful.  It solidifies my ideas about what kinds of behavior keep people fat (or thin) and reinforces my desire to change those behaviors.  Change is easier, I think, when we are aware of the path we are on and clearly see the path we want to follow in the future.  (Notice I didn't say "going forward"--how I detest that phrase!!)

So, the week coming up will be another short one, filled with the usual challenges and opportunities to learn and grow.  I'm looking forward to it. 

See you next time!

Halfway to Goal

Well, I've finally achieved a weight loss of thirty pounds, which puts me halfway to my goal of 60 pounds.  It took a little longer than I thought, but I think I will have a better chance of not gaining it back because of the length of time it took.

Quick weight loss seems to be everyone's goal, but that's only because, I think, they run out of patience with their eating plan. They just want to get it over with. Believe me, I understand that impulse completely. I'd like to lose 60 pounds overnight too, but I know that if I did, I'd only gain it back because I hadn't learned to keep it off.

Learning is the key. Unfortunately, learning takes time, sometimes a lot of time. The learning curve on this project is not too steep, but it's long. This past week I tried to work step 8, to write down my food before I ate it; I succeeded about half the time, I'd guess.  I'm not sure if it helps or not, since I almost always contemplate the consequences of eating a meal before preparing it.  Once in a while I eat something impulsively, but not often. I'll have to keep trying this technique before I can decide whether or not it's useful for me.

Being prepared is important though, and important to emphasize yet again.  When I went on a little day trip yesterday I made sure I brought a lunch so I wouldn't be caught without food at a time when I was hungry.  (It's a good thing, too, since the place we went didn't have food.)  I still got hungry though, and was wishing I had brought more food to munch. But it was nice to have food right on hand instead of having to go somewhere to get it. I don't know what would've happened otherwise.

I also got hungry before bed yesterday, which doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it's usually on weekends. I don't really know why I was hungry.  I didn't eat the right kind or amount of food, I guess. Or maybe it was the exercise I had, though I doubt it.  I took care of the hunger, though, by eating more than was allowed on my menu plan. I don't want that to happen again, so I'm going to have to figure out a better strategy for days off.

But thinking about what to do, making a plan and sticking to it is what this project is all about. And writing about it helps immensely; not only am I making a kind of after-action review and report, but I'm also getting the whole business out of my head and on paper where it can be read and thought about by others, and perhaps especially, by me.

See you next week.

Week 35 and Finally, Step 8

I went back to "the book" (Learn to Be Thin) today after several weeks of working without it, looking for some fresh insights for my continued quest to learn to be thin.  I was reminded that I've been putting off Step 8 for a while, but I think it's time now to engage with it. So this week I plan to start.

Step 8 in the Learn to Be Thin plan is called "Making Eating a Premeditated Act" (147-155). The simple part of this step is to write down everything I eat before I eat it. Ms. Simon argues that this will put one more stumbling block in the path of unconscious eating, disrupting stimulus-response chains that reinforce unwanted behaviors.  But this technique is also part of a larger campaign of planning ahead so that I'm not caught in the grip of a powerful eating compulsion and taken down before I even realize I'm in danger.

Planning ahead can take the form of checking the menu of a restaurant before eating there to see what I can choose that would be on my eating plan.  It can be anticipating what might be available at a social gathering and planning accordingly, either by bringing food I can eat or saving up a bread or meat choice to use at that event.  One of the easiest ways to plan ahead for me is to bring my lunch to work. It serves two purposes: limits my eating choices, and prevents me from being hungry when my lunch time is delayed or in some other way disrupted.  Over time I've refined what I bring, expanding it to include snacks so that I'm never without allowed foods when I get hungry during the day.
But despite all the plans I make, there are still some moments of impulse eating. A coworker, for instance, might offer home-made or otherwise special treats that are hard to pass up.  Or an unanticipated celebration might come up that requires me to decide whether or not I'm going to eat cake.  Those are obvious ways that my plans might get derailed.  But there are more subtle sabateurs lurking.  Shirley talks about one habit she had that was hard to break: chewing gum. Here is her description of how she changed it:

Because I decided to focus on the stimulus-response chains in that one behavior, I realized that whenever I finished a cup of coffee I had some gum; every time I ate a fruit, I had some gum; every time I took out the car keys, I had some gum; and on and on throughout the day.  Becoming aware of these stimulus-response connections made me realize that many of the times that I took a stick of gum I didn't even want any.  My automatic gum chewing decreased quite a bit just because I had focused on it and had become aware of the dynamics involved.  (148)

Her problem made me think of one I have: eating mints or other hard candy more often than I should.  Though each piece of candy is only 20 calories, they do add up. I decided to limit myself to two pieces a day, but didn't plan when I would eat them, so ended up eating more than I planned to because occasions came up that "required" a mint.  What were those occasions? Well, one was going to a meeting. Every time I headed for a meeting, I'd grab a mint.  And if it was going to be a long meeting, I'd grab two (or even three).

Once I noticed that habit, I asked myself why I needed to eat mints at meetings.  One answer I gave myself was that I needed something to moisten my mouth in case I got thristy. Another was that I might get hungry and need a little sugar boost, or a little pick-me-up because I'm sleepy or bored. But I have to admit that the real reason is that I'm habituated to grabbing the mint; it's a stimulus-response chain I've forged that now tugs on me every time I head for a meeting. (Fortunately, I don't have too many meetings to attend.) But I can change this behavior, try to break this one chain.  After all, there are other ways to avoid dry mouth or hunger, boredom or sleepiness. I just have to use them.

Breaking those chains is at the heart of the Learn to Be Thin program.  After 34 weeks I'm still discovering these little snags that keep me from gaining control of my eating. I'm facing fewer hidden pitfalls than when I began, but after a lifetime of eating a certain way, I'm not out of the woods yet.

I'm getting closer, though.  See you next week.

Lessons in Leftovers

This week I tried out a "normal" behavior: occasionally eating too much.  I see thin people doing this, so, I figure, it must be something I can do, too.  Right?  Well, maybe, but it's not so easy and it did keep me from losing weight this week.  But I learned some things, and that's the idea, after all.

The occasion was an "off-site team-building" get-together for my section at work (really just a luncheon) where we went to a co-worker's weekend cottage to have a cook-out with hamburgers, sausages, various salads, ice cream and pie.  I decided to eat some of everything, as I perceive a "normal" person would do.  So I had a hamburger with bun, a few tablespoons of salad, some chips, and a slice of pie with ice cream for dessert.  Several people in my section are slender.  I took note of what they were eating, which was similar to what I was eating, so I figured it was okay.

But I didn't eat the way I usually would have at such an event--that is, eating everything in sight in large quantities--with the excuse that it was my "chance" to eat a lot.  In fact, I tried to slow down and eat one bite at a time, talking in between bites.  I did fill up pretty fast and didn't go back for seconds.  But I knew what I was eating was more than what I was allowed that day. 

Then it was time for dessert.  The pie was delicious and was great with the ice cream; both were home made.  I was given a huge serving of ice cream that I could've refused, but I accepted it.  I didn't eat it all, though. I just left it on my plate, and amazingly, no one cared.  In the past, leaving ice cream uneaten would've been impossible for me.  So I feel like I accomplished something with the ice cream, even though I ate the whole piece of pie.

What was interesting to me was the host's encouragement to eat more ice cream.  We had too much for the twelve of us, apparently, especially with the pie.  Even after everyone had had one serving, there was plenty left over.  But Ron (who is not fat) didn't want to take it home, so he was trying to get us to eat it.  A couple of the heavier folks were persuaded to eat more of the ice cream, and someone else agreed to take home the leftovers. 

It reminded me of the many times I've been waylaid by that argument: you have to help "get rid of" extra food.  It's especially interesting when those making the argument are slim, and they're not "helping" to eat the food themselves.  They probably don't consciously think about it, but they know they can count on the fatties to eat the leftovers they don't want to deal with.

Well, they didn't get me this time, although I was sorely tempted.  I just told myself I didn't need ice cream at home, that I (or my husband) would just eat it, and probably right away.  I did take the meat, which wasn't urged on me, though I probably shouldn't have, since it was fattier meat than I usually have.  I guess it was a compromise with my "waste not, want not" subterfuge.  Maybe next time I can ignore the leftovers completely! One step at a time.

My experiment taught me that to occasionally indulge is normal, but it's not as easy as it seems.  We fatties see skinnies eating a lot, but then we don't see them later, when they're eating nothing at all for hours, or eating small amounts on a regular basis.  We really don't have different metabolisms than normal weight people; we just have a problem stopping when we've had enough.

I may never get to the point where I don't think about food, but at least my thoughts can change from "How can I eat more?" to "How can I eat just enough?"

See you next week.

The Road to Normalcy

Not too much to report this week except for the feeling that this is taking too long. *Sigh* I'm getting to the point now where I want to get it over with, but then when I ask myself what that means, I have to admit I don't know. How will I eat when I lose all the weight I want to? I guess I'll eat pretty much the same, because the amount of calories I'm consuming now will probably be the right amount for someone who weighs 135 lbs. Let's see: 135 X 13 (sedentary person) = 1755. I figure I'm eating about 1650 right now, so that means when I reach my goal weight I could indulge once in a while with no big impact. As long as the indulgence doesn't lead to bingeing, that is.

If I step up my activity, I can take in more calories. 135 X 14 (moderately active) = 1890. Right now I'm at 168 lbs, so 168 X 13 (sedentary) = 2184 - 1650 = 534 cal per day I'm saving. Multiply that by 7 = 3738 calories per week. Since a pound = 3500 calories, I'm potentially losing 1.06 pounds a week. And what d'ya know? That is what I'm losing--most weeks anyway.

I need to step up my activity, though, in order to start using more calories.  If I mutiply 168 by 14, for instance, I get 2352 - 1650 = 702 X 7 = 4914 / 3500 = 1.4 lbs per week.  Not exactly speedy, eh?  But it adds up over time.

And anyway, it's not about the speed, or the weight loss even, but the learning that takes place.  I am learning to be thin; that means not just getting thin but staying there.  And to stay there, I have to eat differently than I have in the past.  I have to change my relationship with food, change the words I use to describe encounters with food.  No more chowing down, pigging out, bellying up to the buffet, or drowning my sorrows in a quart of ice cream.  Eating cannot be medicine or a drug to abuse--not without serious consequences, anyway.

Sometimes it's comforting to look at the numbers and remember that it's all very cut and dried.  I must take in fewer calories than what I expend in order to lose weight.  Period.  It takes time because the difference is small.  Sure, if I wanted to exercise all day or half-starve myself I'd lose weight faster, but who has the time or ability to do that?  And even if I could do that for a short period of time and lost all the weight quickly, I'd only put it back on as soon as I resumed my normal routine with its fat-producing intake and output ratio.

You can't argue with science.  No matter what foods you consume, it still comes down to input vs. output; expend energy or store it as fat.  Simple?  Yes.  Easy?  Definitely not.

I'll see you next time, a little ways down the road to normalcy, taking it one pound at a time.

Week 32: Plugging Along

This week I was on vacation and had to guesstimate how much I was eating because I did a lot of eating out.  I tried to offset the extras with exercise and also with vegetables in the evening as much as possible. I did eat some cake a few times, and some ice cream one time, but for the most part I tried to stay on track. I guess it worked to a certain extent, since I lost a half pound over two weeks.  But I'm glad to be back to my old routine where I can control what's on the menu.

Otherwise, I'm putting along at my one-pound-a-week pace.  I've been trying to pay more attention to each bite, slowing down the meal.  It's pretty difficult at times, but I know that it will help to not eat unconsciously.

One thing I learned the past week is that I'm not ready yet to have desserts on hand because I have a hard time saying no.  I bought some trail mix at the airport because it was the cheapest food I could find, but I then had to admit I could not eat much of it because of the high calorie count.  So I've decided to offer it to my coworkers to get rid of it. Otherwise, I'd be tempted to eat it.

I guess this is kind of a boring report this week.  No big revelations.  But this is what change consists of, after all.  This is the middle, the diet doldrums--a dangerous place because it's tempting to give up when you're making such slow progress, or to imagine you've got it down and that you can start eating the things you've refrained from all these weeks.

Though it's week 32, I know I'm not ready yet to stop recording my intake or to stop paying attention to my attitudes toward eating or to let myself go crazy with high fat or high sugar foods.  So I'll plug along, and I'll see you in week 33!

Little by Little

Well, I hope I don't make a habit of this forgetting to post! The fact is that last week I simply didn't feel like writing, so there you are!

Things are going along fine, though, and I continue to lose tiny bits of weight.  But that's not the important aspect of this program.  The question remains: am I changing my relationship with food?  Well, I think that the answer is yes, partly.

I've found that I'm still having trouble slowing down and paying attention to what I'm eating. My excuse is that my food will get cold and by the time I eat it, it won't taste as good. It won't go bad for up to two hours, according to Mayo clinic, so at least I'm safe.  But is it true that it won't taste good?  I'm not so sure.  I think it's just an excuse to wolf it down.  I'm going to have to investigate to see if I'm just fooling myself and try to eat more slowly.

Sometimes I eat fast because I'm hungry and have waited a long time to eat.  Also not an excuse.  I should make an effort to slow down, especially when I'm hungry.  Maybe sip my drink first so that I can calm down. I'm going to try harder this week on this important technique.

The past week I had another food related event at work--an ice cream social.  I did eat some ice cream, but I think I did well with figuring out how much I was eating and tried to eat it slowly and enjoy it, even though I was conversing.  Then I refrained from eating the many leftovers, although I did indulge a bit in fruit, which I used for my afternoon snack.  All in all I think I was successful, but I still don't dare bring ice cream into my home.

I feel like I should move on to the next step, which is pre-recording food, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.  We'll see how I feel in a couple of weeks.

For now, the challenge is keeping things going, despite the slow, incremental progress and the fact that no one has much noticed my weight loss or made a big fuss over it.  I think it's a very big deal, but that's only because most of what I'm doing is mental and not visible the way a sudden large weight loss would be. Probably no one has noticed that I'm not scarfing up all leftovers or constantly eating at social events, but I think the change is terribly obvious.  And it's what really works!

Over the years, I've heard about so many gimmicky diets that purportedly work, and the people who go on them desperately want them to work, but most of the time they can't be sustained and the dieter simply goes back to eating his usual way and gaining the weight back.  I understand the impulse to do something drastic and dramatic, but even drastic and dramatic gets old after a while.  That's the problem with any diet--the long haul.  In the end, it's persistence that pays off, and the understanding that a problem eater can never eat the way she used to eat if she wants to remain at a normal weight.

In the back of the mind of every eating addict is this idea, this dream: Someday I will be able to eat what I want and not gain weight.  And I say to that--not going to happen! (Unless you meet up with a gypsy who puts a curse on you.)  I know I have to say goodbye to pigging out.  Or suffer the inevitable consequences.

And really--what's so great about pigging out anyway? It's only fun for the first few bites. Then the tastebuds get jaded, the food is no longer so delicious as it was that first bite, and the eating becomes mechanical, get-it-overwith shoveling-in that ignores the signals from the stomach to stop.

No matter what all those come-and-go diets say, quantity does matter.  You can pick and choose the foods that are going to be healthy, or heart-wise, or cancer-stopping, or metabolism-boosting, or poison-expelling, or some other miraculous quality, but the old maxim still proves true: calories consumed must equal calories expended in order to keep your system in equilibrium. Eating a ton of healthy food is still eating a ton of food. And are you going to use a ton of food? Probably not.  And as you well know, whatever you don't use will be stored--it's as simple as that.

Do I really need to fill up all the available storage space on my body?  No, I do not. A little storage is good against sudden famine,  but otherwise it's just extra weight that I'm hauling around, straining my joints and my organs, and possibly causing cancer in the future.

But I guess I've said enough for today.  Believe me, I need these little pep talks from time to time--these little accounting exercises.  They keep me going in the right direction, albeit slowly.

See you next week!

Before and After

I got behind in my posting again.  I couldn't think of anything to say last week, and I don't get much chance to write during the week, so the occasion passed.  Oh, well, I'll try to catch up today. 

Two weeks ago, when I went to the baby shower, I succeeded in eating some veggies and one piece of cake.  I did have some sweet lemonade, though, which I didn't account for.  Considering there were quite a few nice looking treats at the party, I think I did pretty well to avoid them.  Whenever I do eat reasonably at a social event, I can't help remembering the way I used to scarf up everything available, to the point of not liking the picture I presented of someone who can't stop eating.  It's nice to be able to converse without shoving something into my mouth continuously.  I often wonder if anyone remembers the way I used to be and sees the difference.

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to be content to simply carry on with my plan, despite the general lack of notice I receive for doing so.  The end result is its own reward, after all.  (Still, it would be nice to get at least one compliment from a coworker!)  Perhaps people notice but are afraid to ask. Maybe they think I've got cancer or something. Or maybe it's just too gradual, and people don't have a before picture to compare with the after.  I guess I'll just include some here, then.

Before:  Nov 2010

After:  Aug 2011

So, okay, the difference is subtle but still . . . I think it's noticeable.  

Anyway, today I finally got below 170 lbs, which is a big milestone for me.  I need to continue to step up the exercise and step down--just a tiny bit--the amount of food I eat.  I'll just have to make different choices at meals so that I don't have to feel deprived at any time.

One of the dangers Shirley warns about is the tendency to get attached to certain foods or menus.  I have found myself craving certain little treats I make for myself, like toast with a teaspoon of peanut butter.  I don't want to get so I have to have certain things every day.  My blood sugar locks me into eating at certain intervals, but I can change the menus up once in a while, such as coming up with a new snack item.  It's important because I think it will eventually make it easier to cope with the "outside" world, where people eat things like chips and ice cream occasionally.  The operant word is occasionally, not daily or whenever I get the chance. So when I get to the point when I can truly eat a dish of ice cream and then forget about it for weeks, I'll be ready to join the outside world. 

I guess that's enough for today.  Time to go for a walk.  See you next week!

Changes: Turn and Face the Strain

This week I did pay attention to my eating-and-reading chain, a habit I have that is apparently not the best for changing one's eating behavior. (Is this one of the "chains I forged in life" that Jacob Marley was warning about?)  I didn't stop doing it, but I did try to pay more attention to how it was affecting me.  I concluded that reading does prevent me from paying attention to what I'm eating somewhat, thereby causing some unconscious eating behavior, which is dangerous, as we know.

But it's very hard for me to stop doing it, mostly because it's a well entrenched habit.  And despite my excuses for why I must continue (I don't have time to read otherwise; I tend to zone out while I eat anyway), the power of habit really is the main reason.  So what to do?  Should I continue to read and try to pay attention to my food?  Abandon the effort altogether?  Or really try to go without, just to see what happens?  If I choose the last, it will be hard, I know that.  But, we'll see.

I've lost 25 pounds now, which is a milestone of sorts.  It's been six months, 26 weeks at about a pound a week.  Not too bad considering I had to get past some holidays and birthdays and travel. The true test will come with the upcoming holiday season. I feel confident I can make it, but it will mean some extra vigilance.

I haven't been this weight since 1996.  It seems strange, not like me.  I'm not quite used to it yet, I guess, despite the slow progress.  I enjoy the extra energy I seem to have from not carrying those 25 extra pounds. But I kind of miss my belly, too.  It's been with me for a long time, after all.  I felt this way when I was gaining the weight too.  I remember feeling surprised to be so wide that I couldn't squeeze through narrow passages, or having difficulty bending over or twisting to the side because my bulk was in the way. 

I think people who lose a lot of weight (especially if quickly) don't fully appreciate the feeling of loss that emerges, the need to mourn the old self.  Part of it is because they expect only elation. Our culture is so focused on shape and size, people think that losing weight can only bring good effects, and the struggle to lose weight and change a lifetime of eating behaviors will all be worth it.  But the fat person those behaviors created has come to identify with her shape and size, for good or ill.  A major change in those physical characteristics requires a major adjustment in the way she sees herself, and in the way others see her as well.

My father went through this when he decided to lose weight after he was diagnosed with diabetes.  He watched his mother's health deteriorate from the same disease, to the point where she had to take insulin injections and ended up losing her legs and eventually her life. He vowed he would not go down that road, so he got a diabetic eating plan and followed it religiously.  It took him about a year to lose 100 pounds, but he did it.  He was slim for the first time in my life, and I was in my late twenties.  I thought it was pretty cool.

My father was a short man, and small framed, but his fat made him seem big.  I don't think he realized what it would feel like to suddenly be so small. I could see he was struggling with that (although he did seem to enjoy buying clothes that fit him in the bright colors he preferred), and my mother, too, confessed that she wasn't completely happy with her husband's new shape. She liked him big because he made her feel small, she said, especially when he gave her one of his bear hugs. 

And then there were the wrinkles.  Fat fills out a person's face and limbs, areas that normally start to look pretty saggy as we age.  My dad, who was around 58 at the time, would look at his newly slim face and arms and express distaste for the wrinkles he saw there.  Not only was he smaller, but wrinklier too--two blows to the ego that were hard to take, even with the benefits of improved health.  The unpleasant changes didn't drive him back to eating, but they did lessen the pleasure he thought he was going derive from losing weight.  He didn't anticipate any negatives, so he was disappointed.

Lately I've been looking at my slimmer face and noticing the wrinkles there and in my upper arms.  I'm waiting for my thighs to start sagging too.  The gradualness of the weight loss helps, I think, to give the skin time to bounce back.  But age is the primary cause, I'm sure. Do I want to continue to be padded so I don't look so old?  No, but it would be nice to have it both ways.  Alas, plastic surgery is the only way to do that, and it has its own dangers.  So I guess I'll just keep working at losing weight, and try to stay aware of the changes it brings.

Today I've got a baby shower to attend.  No doubt there will be food offered, so I should fortify myself a bit before I go, but not too much because I don't want to refuse everything and risk offending the hostess.  I'll just have to play it by ear, I guess. Wish me luck!

See you next week.

Deciding to Be Thin

This week was much the same as last week, except that I did consciously try to eat less and get more out of what I do eat by choosing more wisely from among the various options I have for the day's food.

For example, I'm allowed three to four fruits and two milk choices per day.  I have to decide how to spread those five to six items out over the course of the day.  I typically like to have my fruit as snacks, but sometimes I have one fruit at breakfast, then another in the morning and a third in the afternoon, which leaves one for evening snack, if necessary. 

But the afternoon is the longest part of my day, since I have lunch at 11:30 but don't have supper until 6:00.  So from 12:00 to 6:00 I have to eat snacks about every two hours to keep my blood sugar up.  Usually I have my first snack at 2:30.  It would stand to reason, then, that my next snack would be at 4:30, then supper at 6:00.  That's two afternoon snacks.  If one of them is the fruit, then what would the other one be?

Well, I've been eating yogurt in the afternoon, but I can only have the yogurt if I haven't had a milk at breakfast.  If I did have a milk at breakfast, then I can still have the yogurt, but only if I don't have a milk in the evening.  If I don't have the yogurt, though, what can I have?  Fruit is my only other option, unless I want to eat a vegetable.  I could also save part of my lunch meat to eat, but three ounces is already a small serving, and a part of that might not last the rest of the afternoon.

Unfortunately, sometimes I find myself hungry at 1:30, and then 3:30 and then again at 5:00.  But if I eat three snacks instead of two in the afternoon, I'm sure to have no foods left for my evening snack.  It's a dilemma.

The goal is to keep from being hungry, mostly because when I get hungry I get weak and sometimes fuzzy headed.  It's funny, though--yesterday afternoon I had some coffee (something I very rarely do) because I was sleepy, but I found that it also took away my hunger for a little while.  I guess that's the appetite suppressant feature of caffeine, and why it's used in diet pills.  I wonder how it works . . . ?

One thing I used to do which did not work so well is to eat my yogurt and fruit together in the afternoon.  That was tasty, but not too smart, because it eliminated the fruit that I was saving for later, which meant that I had to eat an additional fruit that day.

But I don't like to eat the yogurt alone.  So I've started eating my yogurt with celery sticks, as a sort of dip.  That solves the problem of the lonely yogurt without using up the fruit.  Maybe other types of vegetables would work for that too.  It's something to consider.  It would have to be a bland vegetable, though, like cucumber sticks, so the taste of the yogurt is not overpowered.  Peppers wouldn't work, but maybe zucchini would.

The point of describing all this minutiae is to show how important these types of decisions are to changing our eating behavior.  As Shirley emphasizes over and over, unconscious eating is the enemy.  Shoving high calorie food into my mouth every time I get hungry is effective for eliminating hunger, but is not a good long term solution to the problem of low blood sugar because it has negative consequences, not the least of which is weight gain. 

A person does not have to be fat if she has low blood sugar.  There is a way to eat a reasonable amount of food and deal with metabolic imbalance.  It just requires planning, preparation and monitoring of food choices and portion size.  It requires conscious decision making every day. 

Oh, sure, reckless abandon can be fun, for those people who rarely indulge, who can handle occasional blow-out sludge fests.  Those people can go back to their normal eating routine the next morning with hardly a look back.  However, if you're reading this blog because you need to lose weight, you're in the other group--the group where every day could turn out to be a day of reckless abandon followed by a night of regret and a morning of amnesia.

So I'm going to keep making conscious decisions about what I eat, and I'm going to keep telling you about it.  See you next post.

Week 24: Identifying Problems and Finding Solutions

I've arrived at a plateau this week, it seems. I didn't lose weight or body fat, so I guess I'm going to have to make some adjustments to my eating plan.

For instance, I've gotten accustomed to eating a snack in the evening. I don't want to eliminate it altogether, since I find I'm hungry if I don't eat something. I don't know if it needs to be so big, though. Usually I have fruit and yogurt or milk, but maybe I don't need both, since I go to bed so soon afterward. I'll try that out this week, see what happens with it.

I could also skip the third bread occasionally.  Usually I have that at supper, but maybe I can do without it now and then.  Of course, I do look forward to it.  I could also cut down on the ounces of meat I have at supper--go for four ounces instead of five.  All these are minor adjustments, but maybe they'll have an effect, even if I adopt only one.

Another thing I need to do is exercise more, although finding the time is the problem.  Maybe morning dancing is a good choice, combined with a walk at lunch.  Or perhaps I can do more frequent walks of shorter duration at work, say five minutes per hour.  It's something to consider . . .

This was the week I was supposed to launch Step 7, Eating Only.  I had some limited success, but mostly in the area of trying to pay more attention to my food and to slow down the process more. I'm still reading while eating lunch and breakfast, but trying not to let it distract me too much.  I may have to accept only partial fulfillment of this step.

I had a bakery bagel for my extra bread this past week.  It was pretty good, but not that spectacular.  I think I would've enjoyed a piece of toast more, to tell the truth.  But these things have to be tried so that I can learn what really motivates me to eat something.  If I feel bagel-deprived, eating a bagel (and really paying attention to what it tastes like) should help me get over that feeling.  I guess that's the best reason to gradually add "forbidden" foods to my diet: to de-mystify them, you might say.  I think my bagel experiment did that fairly well.  A bagel is chewy bread with a nice crust.  Nothing miraculous there!  The problem with a bagel is that typically it's big (and therefore high in calories) , but a quarter of a bagel is not satisfying the way a piece of bread would be.  So maybe the solution is to find something that would give the same satisfaction without tipping the scales.

As Shirley tells us with respect to the Controlled Trade technique, when you eat something on that list, you should know why you're eating it.  What craving is it meant to satisfy?  Don't gulp it down just because you can.  Determine what you hope to get from it; then once you've eaten it, you can evaluate its success in giving you what you wanted.  I can do that with any number of foods I consider to be treats and thereby learn how to incorporate them into my diet in a sensible way.

And that's the essence of this program: gaining the knowledge you need to make rational decisions about eating.  Those plans that only change what you eat are doomed to fail because those with eating disorders need to change how they eat in order to stay permanently thin.

See you next week.

Week 24 and Step 7: Getting Closer to the Goal Posts

Last week was fairly routine, although I found myself feeling hungry quite often, which bothers me a little, especially at work, where I don't have as many options for eating appropriate snacks.  I managed to do alright with it, but I don't like it and want to find a way to avoid it, if possible. 

John says that loss of body fat brings hunger because you don't have the fat stores to draw from that you once had.  That makes sense to me, but I wonder how to fix it?  If I don't have fat stores, then I'll have to rely more on the food I eat.  I think maybe I need more protein in my meals; it lasts longer than carbohydrates.  I'm going to work on that this week.

Over the last couple months, I've been idling at Step 6 of the Learn to be Thin Program.  You might remember that was the first step of "Breaking the 'Eating and . . .' Chains" by eating in a specific designated eating spot each time and not eating anywhere else.  Step 7 of that pair is eating without doing anything else, or Eating Only.  That means no reading, working, driving, cooking, watching TV, etc.  I guess it's still alright to eat and talk at the same time, else we'd all have to eat alone.

So I guess I've stalled long enough and have to tackle this step now.  It's not going to be easy, because I still read while eating and watch TV during my evening snack.  I'm not sure how well it's going to work to not read, because it's almost the only time I get to read. I'll just have to find a way to set aside more time for just reading. When, I don't know . . .

Harder still will be eating and only eating because it seems at first glance to be boring.  But I guess it's a good time to really think about what I'm tasting and chewing and swallowing.  Unconscious eating is the enemy, as I've learned over the weeks.  Maybe I'll find that conscious eating is more pleasant.  I'd better go someplace besides my desk to do it, though, so that my coworkers are not tempted to interrupt me.  Wish me luck!

Sneaky Old Behaviors

Once again I've failed to post regularly to this blog.  I've had the same problem with my other two blogs the last couple of weeks--I'm not sure why.  But I am going to try to do better. Logging challenges as well as progress is a big help.

I've gotten into somewhat of a routine with my eating plan, but that's a recipe for complacency, as any addict would agree, so I wasn't surprised to find myself over-measuring again.  That's when I push the envelope just a little too far on the cup or the tablespoon measure. Funny thing, though. I only over-measure those foods I like, such as pasta or potatoes or peanut butter, filling them to overflowing--sometimes literally.  The other day I was measuring mayo the way I usually do, and found when I checked it that I had over-measured by half! 

These old behaviors will come back; if they can't walk in by the front door they'll steal around to the back and sneak in.  Before you know it, your weight is creeping back up and you have to start all over again.  I do not want that to happen!

One realization I'm coming to--I will always be a food addict.  Though I might get to the point where I can eat like a non-food-addict, I will always think about food in a different way than my naturally slender peers.  My rejection of gluttony is always going to be a conscious and sometimes difficult choice. 

Again, I compare my way of thinking to that of an alcoholic or gambling addict.  I don't think twice about passing up an opportunity to drink, or leaving a half-drunk bottle of beer on the table. It doesn't bother me to buy only one lottery ticket or to skip buying one for weeks at a time.  I don't even think about it.

I know how an alcoholic feels when I see someone I'm dining with take two bites of a luscious piece of chocolate cake, then leave the rest on his plate.  I want to finish it for him, just as an alcoholic has the urge to finish the drinks of people at her table.  I want to scold him for "wasting" a good piece of cake. I'm not sure I'll ever stop thinking that.

Does it make sense to give in to such urges?  Oh, one could argue that we should live it up; life is short, after all.  Enjoy what life has to offer, including delicious food.  That would be fine, if an addicted person could stop at one piece of cake or one dish of ice cream. How much cake or ice cream constitutes enjoyment?  Where does enjoyment stop and compulsion begin?  Really, the enjoyment of taste doesn't last past the first few bites.  After that, there's only the desire to finish the bowl, to avoid the anxiety of "good food" left uneaten.  That's what we give into, really. The compulsion, not the joie de vivre.

See you next post!

The Saga Continues: Week 20

Well, I've been away for a while, so I'll try to catch up with what's been happening in the last two weeks.

The week of July 4th I was visiting family, and attempting to stick (mostly) to my eating plan while also enjoying celebratory meals with family.  That involved ordering a dessert that was not too fattening, eating chili that I'd prepared, eating a meal that involved carefully measured mashed potatoes (which I love), eating pizza at a restaurant, and traveling for a long distance in a car while not eating fattening snack foods.  And of course there was the challenge of writing all of it down. 

I think I did pretty well with all those challenges, but I was glad when we got home so I could get back to my regular routine--with one exception: my husband's birthday party with cake and ice cream, which proved to be a bit more challenging than I had thought.  Fortunately, it was a small cake and we ate it quickly, but the experience left me with a reminder about bringing such foods into the house.  I'm not ready, it seems, to let a chocolate cake and premium ice cream sit around for days and days, uneaten, and it's hard to justify eating a big piece of cake and a cup of ice cream every day just to "get rid of it."

I didn't weigh myself while I was on vacation since I didn't have my scale that tells me my body fat percentage, but at the beginning of the second week, starting July 10, I did weigh in and found that despite all the irregularities, I had still lost 1.2 lbs over two weeks, which isn't bad, considering. And at the end of 19 weeks, I'd lost about 19 pounds, so that's a good number and a nice slow, steady pace.

The second week was fairly routine in comparison, although I didn't get as much exercise as I'd have liked, a factor that's becoming more and more important as my weight drops.  If I eat the same amount, I'll need to exercise more to keep losing weight, as the number of calories I burn exercising (or just moving around) will diminish along with my mass.  So far I haven't been able to step it up much, though, mostly because I'm having trouble finding the time in my day.  I need to work on that.

As I've been writing these blog posts, I've come to really appreciate the benefit of reporting my progress week after week.  Skipping a week felt wrong somehow; I was anxious to get back to it today.  I think it's very helpful to know that "someone" is waiting to see how things are going.  I know that at least one real person is reading them (my husband), but even if no one reads them, just the act of documenting my thoughts and feelings about the program inspires me to carry on with it.

This program is about behavior, after all, and only secondarily about weight loss, so talking about my behavior around food is essential to changing that behavior.

Someday maybe I'll put these blogs together in a book.  Who knows? Someone may find my insights and reports helpful.  See you next week.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

This past week was somewhat challenging, mostly because I was making treat bags for my coworkers containing cookies, jelly beans and mints.  I did allow myself to taste the treats, though only in small amounts instead of throwing caution to the winds and gobbling down whatever was left over, as I might have done in earlier times.

I'm gradually losing more and more weight, a fact that is not yet visible to my coworkers, apparently, though it's very evident to me.  I bought some new clothes recently and found I was a size smaller.  I even bought jeans, which I have not done in many years, and it felt good to be able to wear them without worrying that I look like the broad side of a barn! I'm also tickled to be able to fit into clothes I had put in the back of the closet, waiting for the time when I could wear them again. It's like having new clothes!

I feel a bit of sadness, though, as I diminish in size.  I'm going to miss my fat self, I think.  Being thin is akin to being ordinary, in a way (though more and more it seems fat is the new ordinary). Having an outsized appetite is womanly, strong-minded even, not frail and weak, like the child-like waif who says, "Oh, I couldn't eat another bite!"  I'm going to miss that mark of substance.  But as Shirley would probably say, I can be strong-minded in a healthy way; I can show my substance by not overfeeding myself.

All of these are good reasons to lose weight slowly.  It seems like it's taking forever, but I need time to adjust--to new eating habits, smaller size clothes, and new ways of thinking about myself.  Such adjustments are not possible when the goal is to lose weight quickly.  So I'm going to enjoy the slow pace of my transformation, and maybe it will be permanent!

And I'll keep you posted with each tiny step.

No Such Thing as Just a Little Bit?

I'm a little tardy with my post this week.  I don't have much time to post during the week, and this past weekend I was busy with other things, so I didn't get a chance.  But I'm posting now, and I'll try to catch up with how things are going.

I didn't lose any weight this past week, but I'm not sure it was because of the picnic, although it's likely it was.  I'm not concerned about it because I continue to stick to my plan (with a few minor deviations now and again)--I haven't run the bus into a ditch yet!

I do find that eating foods I don't normally eat causes me to have cravings for those foods for a while after eating them.  That's an annoying side effect which makes trying to eat small amounts of fattening foods much more difficult for me.  But as Shirley says in her book, "if a particular Controlled Trade is causing trouble, get rid of it for a while. In the interim, work on your eating behaviors and eat less tempting Controlled Trades.  You can try the troublesome Trade again after you've learned to exercise more control."

Getting rid of a food can be a bit tricky, though, when you've already brought it home.  Now it must be eaten or thrown away, and neither is a very satisfying alternative.  Foods from the picnic followed us home, and then lingered there, tempting us for days (although I did bring some of them to work the next Monday--three days later).  It was a bad idea to bring home the food, but the "Waste Not, Want Not" subterfuge kicked in and before I knew what was happening, it was in the back of our van.  I'm going to try to leave the picnic earlier next time so I won't get stuck with disposing of the extra food.

The picnic food ended up causing trouble for me in a way I didn't like.  I found myself thinking about it and looking at it every time I was in the vicinity.  I had to keep telling myself not to eat it, which was kind of tiresome, I must say.  I wonder what normal people (without eating addictions) would do.  Well, not being tempted, they'd ignore it, I suppose, until it was too stale or moldy or rotten to eat.  Then they'd throw it out. 

Whenever I wonder about non-eating disorder behavior, I have only to think of what my slim friend Linda would do.  In the case of excess goodies, Linda puts them in the cupboard or the back of the refrigerator and promptly forgets about them.  Months later, she finds them and says, "Oh, I didn't know I still had those," or something to that effect. Of course, they then go right into the trash without regret.

This is part of what Shirley promises in her book--that kind of relationship with food.  Linda doesn't hate food, she simply isn't addicted to it.  She enjoys the taste of rich chocolates, but doesn't crave more after she's eaten one or two pieces. Her relationship with food is like my relationship with alcohol--I like a glass of fine wine, but after one or two glasses, I can put it into the refrigerator and not even think about it until weeks later, when I wonder if it's gone bad.  Or it doesn't bother me to pour out a bottle of beer after I've only taken a few sips, even though I might put the cap back on and leave it in the refrigerator for a few days before eventually dumping it.

Eating addicts know they're addicted, although they may not want to admit it openly.  But I have to wonder why advocates of some diets don't know it.  Programs like Weight Watchers, that encourage dieters to eat just a little bit of brownie or cake or doughnut or ice cream (especially if they're Weight Watchers' brand goodies) without providing the infrastructure that Shirley provides, are pushing what they know to be extremely difficult for the truly addicted.  They are courting diet disaster, in my opinion.They may have helps, but I think they don't do enough to deal with the destructive behaviors that are causing the problems. But perhaps they don't care as long as they can sell their special food and collect monthly dues from members. 

Anyway, this week has been a bit easier so far, so I'm looking forward to a loss this week when I step on the scale.  I'll keep you posted!

The Company Picnic Challenge

This past week I've focused more on where I'm eating, but I didn't have much luck with eating away from my desk.  It was a busy week at work, and to save time, I ate my lunch and my snacks at my desk.  I have made a concerted effort to not eat at my computer at least!  Not only does it make the eating more conscious, but also helps keep my keyboard clean!

Yesterday was the company picnic, and of course there were lots of fattening foods available--grilled meats, chips and dip, pasta salads, desserts galore.  I didn't do too badly, eating small amounts of a few different salads and one mettwurst in a bun. Then some desserts as well.  I ended up taking home many of the desserts just to keep from throwing them away (Great Depression Syndrome), but now we're faced with them on our counter and in our refrigerator. I'm very tempted to eat them, but I know there's no way I can eat them the way I used to: until they're gone.  Maybe I'll take them to the office today . . .

Since I was paying attention to where I was eating, though, I did notice that the "special occasion" behavior came out yesterday.  I found myself eating standing up at the picnic table, and at home, munching food as I was doing other things.  And of course it's always the food I shouldn't be eating that I'm eating on the run.

If I can confine the special occasion behavior to one day, though, I'll feel like I've gained a victory.  We'll see what happens. I'll keep you all posted, as ever.

Step 6: Breaking the Eating and . . . Chains

This past week has been fairly ordinary, with no outstanding challenges, although I did fall behind a few times with my recording, waiting until the end of the day or even the next day to write down what I ate.  That concerns me a little, since I don't want to get away from keeping my eating notebook, even though it it might seem like I don't need to do it.  Once I start forgetting to write down foods, I start forgetting how much and what I ate during the day, and that inevitably leads to overeating.

For example, yesterday I didn't write anything down at all, and even though I thought I followed the eating plan, today, when I tried to remember everything I ate, I didn't remember the cereal I ate around noon, which was counted for a protein meal.  I didn't eat extra, but if I'd been looking at the list at the end of the day yesterday, I might have figured I could eat another meat or bread choice.

It's very easy to eat unconsciously.  Writing down consumption makes me pay attention to it, even though sometimes I forget or don't want to take the time.

This week I'm going to start the next step in the plan: eating in a designated eating place and there only.  This is step six of the plan, and part one of the "Breaking the 'Eating and . . . ' Chains" (141) segment. Part two is eating only, without doing anything else but conversing. The idea behind these steps is that "Eating should become as pure an activity as possible" (142).  If eating is linked to other activities or a variety of places, then the place or activity will trigger the impulse to eat, even if it's not time to eat.  So that if you always read while you eat, for instance, you'll want to eat when you read, too.  And if you eat in the car, then every time you're in the car, you'll want to eat.  Eating and . . . chains can become powerful stimuli, causing me to reach for food automatically before I realize I'm doing it.

So I'm going to try to eat in only one place--the dining room, at the table--for my meals at home.  At work, I'll eat in the cafeteria, I think, since eating at my desk is not a good idea.  Where I normally eat at my desk is also where I do other things, so I wouldn't want that place associated with food.  This will become tricky for breaks, since I now don't normally take breaks but still need to eat.  Maybe I can go to the employee break room for my breaks.  I should probably be taking breaks away from my desk anyway, but that cuts into the time I want to spend getting some exercise.  I may have to do something different there too. Exercise at a different time, maybe early in the morning.

At any rate, we'll see how it goes.  I have to make a check mark for every time I eat in the designated place, which will give me a record of my progress.  I'm certainly not looking forward to the next step, where I can't read while I eat, since that is how I get most of my reading done.  Well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.

I did lose weight over the two weeks I was on vacation, and I lost about 1/2 pound this past week. I'm still on track to lose about 5 lbs every month, which is slow but steady progress toward my goal.

I've been enjoying getting gradually smaller.  The difference is probably imperceptible to my coworkers, however.  I imagine the moment in the future when they will suddenly realize I'm no longer fat and ask me what happened.  I plan to tell them about this plan and refer them to this blog.

And I'll tell you all about it here.

The Vacation Challenge

I'm back after a two-week vacation, and while I've missed two weeks of posting, I haven't stopped following Shirley--for the most part, anyway.  I did stop writing down what I ate, which is not recommended, but I didn't stop trying to stick with the plan as much as possible.  But considering that in the past a vacation, especially with a road trip, was my chance to overeat, I think I did pretty well.

During the trip there were two birthday celebrations, complete with trips to Olive Garden restaurant and cake and ice cream for dessert.  I had some fairly fattening restaurant meals, and did have one piece of cake and a serving of ice cream each time.  But I didn't go back for seconds on cake and ice cream, and I ended up taking home leftovers from my restaurant meals, substituting them for other meals on subsequent days.

Trying to save money, John and I ate in the hotel room most of the time, which left us limited in terms of what meals we could make, since our room didn't have a microwave.  But I didn't overindulge in snack foods, as I might have in the past, for the most part keeping my snacking to veggies or yogurt in small quantities with the occasional handful of potato chips or small piece of chocolate. There were a few meals eaten at restaurants, but again I tried to choose wisely and saved the leftovers.  I also ate with my mother a few times at her nursing home.  Though the food there was not gourmet, it was good and mostly nutritious.

I prepared for the trip by taking my scale and measuring devices, though I didn't always use them. And we exercised as much as we could, with cleaning and moving work as well as walks when we had the chance, so I think that I didn't gain any weight, though I probably didn't lose any either.  I'll find out tomorrow, when I do the weigh in.

My most important achievement on this trip is that I didn't fall off the diet wagon, going on a binge or abandoning the eating plan.  I did the best I could, given the challenges, and I'm completely satisfied with my overall performance because a diet disaster was avoided.  I turned what would normally have been an occasion to overeat into two weeks of normal eating, or at least how I imagine people without eating disorders eat on vacation: little indulgences here and there, but mostly not making food the centerpiece of their trip.

So all and all, a successful two weeks.  Now I'm back at it, and looking forward to an ordinary week of following Shirley!

Week 10: Re-Discovering Life's Other Pleasures

Week 10 was a fairly standard week, though I did help with setting up a Cinco de Mayo nachos lunch for our employees.  Though I would have eaten my share of nachos in the past, this time I didn't partake at all, finding that nothing we were serving was on my diet.  I must admit that as I was making the beans the night before I sampled them several times to make sure they tasted okay, and didn't account for that extra.

The second challenge I had this week was to eat a corn muffin, made from Jiffy Mix. I made some meatball chili last night and decided to make the corn muffins to go with it.  I had one muffin with my meal, eating slowly, and didn't feel the desire for more.  I counted it as a weekend treat, an extra two breads, one of the choices on the Controlled Exchange program.

I had not been indulging in the weekend extras because I felt like I've been eating enough and didn't want to jeopardize weight loss by eating more.  Since I didn't lose any weight last week I think that's a real danger.  But I wanted to try it once, anyway.

One thing I've noticed this week is that no one seems to be hassling me about not eating.  Of course, my colleagues wouldn't, since they're a polite lot, although one person did express sadness that I didn't get to eat any of the nachos I had so nicely prepared for others.

I've often heard that view over the years, especially from people who like to eat: eating is one of life's pleasures, so why deny yourself?  Shirley Simon would say that such a statement is a subtle example of the Good Time Charlie subterfuge: "happiness comes from eating.  Unfortunately, this pleasure, like all good things in life, carries with it a high price tag.  But [GTC's] rationalization is that in order to get something of value you must be willing to give something up--in this case, good looks, good health, a sense of dignity, and a host of other expendables" (30).

There are other pleasures in life besides eating, as I'm re-discovering.  It was pleasing to me, for instance, to present a nachos lunch that everyone liked.  And I really didn't miss the fat, salt, and calories.

I plan to continue to assign eating a less important role in my life.  Thanks to Shirley and my husband, I'm hopeful I'll succeed.

On the Way to Dangertown

This week I launched into the Controlled Trade Technique and tried out some "dangerous" food choices.  I was successful in eating some Easter chocolate, some gravy, and a slice of pizza.  By successful I mean I didn't fall off the diet wagon after eating them.  And I ate them slowly, savoring each bite as the Controlled Trade Technique requires.  For 5/8 ounce of chocolate, I traded 1/2 bread and 1 fat.  I did that twice last week.  I also had 4 T. of gravy with Easter roast beef, trading 1/2 bread and 1 fat for that too.  Finally, I had a section of pizza for lunch yesterday (my coworkers surprised me and my fellow admin assistants with it), for which I traded 2 fats, 2 breads, and 1 1/2 oz chicken (half a lunch protein).

Now, because I'm so many weeks into the diet, I determined I could do more than one controlled trade per week.  The trades were supposed to start the third week, but since I'm in the ninth week, I figured I should be up to six by now.  So four trades was okay. 

A funny thing happened on the way to Dangertown, though.  I found that the Thin Gourmet technique helped, not only to get me to slow down and appreciate the former binge foods as I was eating them, but also to really taste them.  And really tasting them had a surprising result: I determined they weren't all that wonderful.  Oh, sure, they were tasty, but I wasn't convinced they were worth giving up what I had to give up to eat them.

For instance, eating the candy slowly and paying attention to its taste made me realize that chocolate is very acidic--too acidic, really.  I drank milk as I was eating it, as I have often done with chocolate, and realized for the first time that milk cuts the acid in chocolate, which is why I drink it.  In the end, eating the chocolate seemed more like an experiment than a treat.  Could it be that wolfing chocolate down unconsciously is the only way to enjoy it?  Hmmm.  Or maybe I need to eat a better brand of chocolate?  But that can't be, because it was Hershey's chocolate and I've been enjoying Hershey's for many years.  Or maybe, just maybe, the appeal is in the forbidden quality of the treat.  If it's legit, eaten in the open, somehow it loses its charm? Something to ponder . . .

I lost interest in the pizza, too, after a while.  I ate the toppings, but they weren't enough, really, for a satisfying meal.  And the bread was too much, so I left a third of it behind.  I was affirmed in my belief that pizza is mostly bread, fat, and salt.  I was full after eating it, but then a couple of hours later I was hungry for something substantial and decided to go ahead and eat the lunch I had brought.  (But then I forgot that I ate the extra 1 1/2 oz of meat when it came time for supper. Oh, well.) 

At that point I was thinking that though the pizza was good and I appreciated the gesture, it wasn't really a substitute for lunch.  It was a celebratory snack, which is fine.  And because of that, it wasn't necessary to eat more than one piece in order to join the celebration and show gratitude for the gift.  I don't think anyone noticed that I didn't eat half a pizza. (That particular subterfuge--the Martyr--was revealed to be what it was.)

As for the binge quality of the chocolate, I found that while I was not craving the chocolate, I did have the urge to eat it to get rid of it.  That's part of my relationship with food, too--bringing treats into the house which must then be gotten rid of somehow, and since I have an aversion to throwing food away, that means it must be given away or eaten.  And "eaten" is usually the choice.

By the way, the gravy was no problem.  I made the gravy and so knew how much flour and fat went into it.  I didn't feel the urge to eat more gravy than I allowed myself, so maybe gravy is a food I can include in my diet.  As a substitute for fat, it's not a bad choice--lends a little variety to what has become our rather plain fare.

So, I learned a lot this week and I plan to go on flirting with "dangerous" food choices in the future. Maybe soon I can tackle ice cream . . .

Week 8: Choices

This week I didn't introduce any new foods to my diet, but I did become more aware of the foods I have already added to my diet, such as graham crackers.  I am able to eat them in reasonable quantities, as long as I have a "bread" left over to substitute for, athough I do find myself wanting some on those days I don't have a bread left over.

I'm becoming more aware of choices I make about eating, which is a good thing.  It means I've become more aware of what and how much I eat, something I was not fully conscious of in the past. So it seems that I make trade-offs all day long, most of them consciously and directed toward a goal.

For example, at breakfast time I must choose what to have for breakfast.  In the past, I would simply eat whatever I was in the mood for.  Now I consider appetite as a factor, but also consider how to line up my breakfast choices with my snack choices.  If I eat an egg for breakfast, I'm going to want to have bread with it and also juice of some kind, because that's what goes together in my mind.  I usually like to have an over-easy egg, which means runny yolk and that requires bread to soak it up.  The juice is required to add tart to the taste of the egg.  But I like to save my breakfast bread for my mid-morning snack, so if I eat my bread at breakfast, I won't be able to have it for my snack later.  I have to be willing to have something else for my snack that day--fruit or yogurt, maybe.  Also, a consideration of the egg involves whether or not I've had my quota of eggs for that week (<=5).

If I choose cereal for breakfast, then I've used a milk allocation (1 of 2), which means I can't have yogurt for my afternoon snack, since I'd only have one milk left.  Or, if I have yogurt in the afternoon, that means I can't have it for my evening snack.  Most of the time, fruit will substitute for milk or bread in my snacks.  But I don't want to run out of everything before my evening snack, or I'll end up eating celery sticks, which are not appetizing at that time of night.

So you see, I reckon the impact of every choice I make on the rest of the day's (or the week's) menu.  It's as if my food consumption were a kind of ecology--all choices impact other choices and outcomes.

Now, some may say this is bleak because it seems so unspontaneous.  Well, to those people I say that spontaneity is what got me where I was 8 weeks ago--70 lbs overweight.  Like the big corporations, my appetite cannot be trusted to self-police.  Controls have been wanting.  So like the government, I'm instituting regulations and monitoring procedures to bring Big Appetite back into line with what my body expects--behavior conducive to the health of the entire organism.

In the coming weeks, I'm going to continue making healthful choices and reigning in Big Appetite while trying to add new foods to my diet plan in a controlled manner.  As always, I'll let you know how it goes.

Step 5: The Controlled Trade Technique

This week (week seven!) I was more diligent about recording my consumption, even when I forgot to bring my notebook to work a couple of times.  I also tried harder to focus on the Thin Gourmet technique when eating and succeeded most of the time.  It was a pretty good week; I even survived going to the mall and eating only the food I brought with me to snack on.  And I got some walking in, too!

But I feel like it's time to move on to the next step, which is Step 5: The Controlled Trade Technique (127).  In this step, the dieter must start to tackle those eating challenges that have heretofore proved impossible to master.  For instance, when I say I can't eat just five potato chips, or a 1/2 cup serving of ice cream, or a small slice of pie or cake or one small doughnut or one chocolate, I'm saying that with those foods, I'm either all in or I'm all out.  There's no hope of ever eating those foods normally. 

So to say that these foods, too, will be conquered is like whistling in the dark.  I fear those foods, and I'm not altogether sure I can conquer them, but I can certainly have that as my goal and take steps toward it, however tentative.  Shirley offers us a path toward normalcy, one which other diet plans purport to offer, but don't provide realistic help to achieve.

I'm thinking specifically of Weight Watchers and their system of "points" or some other method where you can choose a tiny brownie instead of an apple.  That sounds good--you get to eat the foods you love, right?  But what they don't seem to recognize is how very difficult it is to eat only one tiny brownie and not go on to eat the whole box.  Or maybe they do, and their real goal is to get you to eat their pricey brownies instead of the ones you could get at the day-old bread store for much less.  They know you're going to eat the whole box, and they don't care because it's more money for them.  And that's in addition to the money you've already paid for "dues" to the Weight Watchers organization. I could be wrong, but it sounds like a scam to me.

Shirley Simon doesn't sell you any special low calorie food to keep you on her eating program.  In fact, she wants you to be able to eat the regular, high calorie treats that everyone else eats (although these days, "everyone else" seems to be the fatties), but in the normal serving size and quantity.  When was the last time you ate 100 calories worth of potato chips and felt satisfied with that?  Well, that's the ultimate goal for Shirley and those who follow her plan.  And it's not at all easy getting to that point.

So, Shirley introduces the Controlled Trade Technique as a method to move slowly toward the realm of normal eating behavior.  As Shirley states, "You can learn how to enjoy only a half cup of ice cream and even how to eat just ten salted peanuts" (127).  But Shirley warns that it's "a technique.  It's not an attitude of 'Whoopee, now I get all those good things.'  It's true that you do get to eat many good things, and that's fine because the happier you are the more successful you will be as a dieter.  But this step goes beyond making you a happy eater.  It's a learning technique."

Through this technique, you learn to conquer your "food fears," as Shirley calls them (128).  Those foods that are hard to control become foods that the dieter either avoids completely, or gives into completely.  This works out to a disadvantage when the person finally loses weight and must now cope with the forbidden foods.  Usually the encounter leads right back to bad eating behaviors and weight gain.

As Shirley puts it, "The lack of practice in coping with these foods, combined with the fears and the feelings of inadequacy, account for many of the failures during maintenance and for much of the perennial weight seesawing."  How does the typical dieter go from eating a whole pie, to months of eating no pie at all, to having just one small slice?  He can't, says Shirley: "The vast multitudes of dieters just can't go from the great buildup to that great letdown.  So they eat more than they should and they get fat all over again."

To change that result, says Shirley, you have to learn to gradually get more control over those foods.  When dieting is separated from not-dieting so completely, it becomes almost impossible for an out-of-control eater to step over the line and succeed in being a controlled eater.  So what to do?  Take away the abrupt change by making change incremental over the weeks of being on the eating program.  By the time you've lost all the weight you want to lose, you're already eating like a thin person (129).

The technique is simple: Shirley has lists of foods that can be exchanged for basic program foods to be eaten in controlled quantities and situations.  She also has Weekend Specials, where you can eat special foods, also in controlled quantities.  I've already been doing some of this by substituting a few foods that were forbidden on the starter diet with ones I think I can handle, like lunchmeat and peanut butter.  But other foods, like ice-cream, have strictly been barred (except for that one day when I had a slice of pizza). 

So, this week, I'm going to try the Controlled Trade Technique.  I'm going to start with foods I'm not sure I can handle, and use the Thin Gourmet and other techniques to eat them in small quantities and slowly, with enjoyment.  I don't know yet what those foods will be, but I'll keep you posted.

Week 6: The Complacency Challenge

Today begins week seven of following Shirley, and thanks to my husband John and his nutritious dinners, I continue to stick pretty close to my eating plan. (I'm losing weight too, but that's beside the point.) In fact, I'm doing so well that I'm in danger of getting complacent.  I'm forgetting to write down my food each hour, having to catch up at the end of the day, or even occasionally the next day.

Is it really necessary to record all consumption? Yes, I think it is, because it keeps the reality in the forefront.  I don't want to start losing track of what I eat again.  That's unconscious eating, which leads to trouble. 

Speaking of unconscious eating, I've been having trouble practicing the Thin Gourmet technique, and until I can do that consistently, I refuse to move on to the next step.  What's difficult about the TG technique is its slowness, I think.  It's hard to put the fork down, chew slowly and with awareness, all while conversing.  And slowing down means the food gets cold sooner.  I don't like cold food, so sometimes I warm it up in the microwave halfway through the meal.  But I do find that I get full sooner, too.

But that's another challenge: stopping when full.  I've done it a few times, but it's not easy.  I feel that tiny bit of fear that if I don't eat it now, I won't have it later.  Of course, that's irrational.  No one will eat the food if I put it in the refrigerator.  And even if someone does, what have I lost?  Two ounces of meat or starch that I could easily do without anyway.  There must be something primal about cleaning one's plate--a survival instinct born of scarce food and occasional feasts that make it a good strategy to pack it away when the opportunity presents itself. 

But that doesn't explain how my slender friend can stop eating when full, put the food in the refrigerator and forget about it until it's gone bad.  I guess she must be missing that instinct.  If we ever have to go back to hunting and gathering to obtain food, she'll be in trouble! Meanwhile, however, she's the same size she was when she was a teenager.

So this week my goal is to practice TG at every meal so that it eventually becomes a habit.  Wish me luck!

The Pizza Pig-Out Challenge

Here I am at the beginning of six weeks! Not too shabby, eh? I'm pretty surprised, actually, to have gotten this far, which is a good attitude to have considering the challenges ahead of changing some pretty entrenched habits.

One habit I've had for quite a while is the habit of pigging out.  I'm starting to notice how often advertisers try to persuade me to indulge in some eating extravaganza, usually involving high fat, high sugar or high salt foods in massive quantities.  They try to make such indulgence look normal, an everyday occurrence in American households. They know people are addicted to fat, so they can count on getting people to go to a restaurant where they can get a 10-ounce steak smothered in fried onions and mushrooms, with "loaded" potatoes and chocolate cheesecake for dessert.  Or how about the burger places that tout their biggest, juiciest, double bacon and three-cheese half pound burger for only $4.65 (limited time only)? The number of all-you-can-eat restaurants has certainly risen alarmingly over the last twenty years.  And food and chef shows on TV have become very popular--the word foodie has entered our vocabulary with a positive connotation (unlike its counterpart in drink, alchie).

What's really amazing is that all this is happening at the same time that the government is trying to get everyone to stop eating so much bad food by regulating the food service and grocery industries. I guess that's America--land of contradictions.

So, all that is a way of explaining how tough it can sometimes be not to indulge the way I used to (way back in February).  I have to keep telling myself that I can't eat like that anymore.  What's a little harder to tell myself is that I don't want to eat like that anymore.

I had a chance to practice my new more sensible habits this past week.  We had a pizza party at work this past Friday to celebrate someone's retirement.  I helped put the party together and made sure there was plenty of pizza for everyone who wanted it.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to eat any pizza, though, since that has always been a pig-out food for me.  But once everyone had gone through the line, I decided I could risk one piece.  And I had some salad, too, with fat-free dressing.  The pizza slice was very large, I have to say, and it was delicious.  But I tried to practice my "thin gourmet" technique and eat slowly, chewing thoroughly, stopping between bites and enjoying the flavors.  I must admit it worked pretty well, since by the time I was finished eating that one piece, I was full and didn't want to eat any more.  In the past, I would've breezed right through the first and second pieces and then, if there were any left, talked myself into having a third piece with the excuse of not wanting any pizza to "go to waste."

Of course, figuring out how that pizza slice fit into my food plan was another challenge. I looked up the nutritional information on the restaurant's web site, and it gave me a ballpark figure, so I worked it out somehow.  I counted it as a special meal at which I ate a reasonable amount of pizza. What's different is that I didn't just write it off as an anomaly and try to ignore it.  I've done that in the past.  When I'd fall off the wagon, I'd say "Oh, well, now's my chance to eat what I want for a while." Shirley warns us about that.  It's why she insists on an hourly accounting of food consumed: each hour you can start over. 

So, I guess this week I can claim I faced the "pizza pig-out" challenge and won--at least in this first contest. I'm sure there are many more such contests to come.