Another Successful Day

Today I managed to avoid eating one of my coworker's whoopee pies which was no doubt good tasting. I stuck to my plan and felt somewhat out of sorts, perhaps due to withdrawal from sweets. I got through the day alright, though. Yesterday evening went pretty well, too. So I'm doing okay so far.

One Day at a Time, They Say

Today I decided to try to stick to my eating plan, even though I might want to veer off.

I have been able to do that so far. I was sorely tempted at lunch time, though, when I went to the student union to eat my lunch. I'm always attracted to the lovely baked goods they have there. But I ate while reading my book and felt virtuous.

I'll see if I can get through the evening unscathed!

Fear of Deprivation

So, my husband's getting going on his diet so I guess that means I have to get going on mine. So what's it going to take to get me going again?

Lately I've been feeling like I want to treat myself and comfort myself and the easiest way to do that is with food, or so I've been reasoning. But I keep gaining weight because I'm no longer tracking my intake and telling myself that's okay.

What can I substitute for the comfort I get from food? Well, first of all, it's not the food that's comforting me but my brain, associating food with comfort and rewarding me with good brain chemicals. What can I do instead to reward myself with good brain chemicals? I don't know, but it's scary to think about leaving my treats behind.

Good Day

Today I did pretty well. I didn't eat at the Student Union or buy any extras there, so my lunch was what I had brought. I did have a granola bar instead of a fruit for a late afternoon snack, and I had a little extra fat at dinner, but otherwise I think I did okay, weighing and measuring and trying to eat slowly.

Good Start

Today I went to see my doctor who is a little concerned about my blood pressure. She advised me to get more exercise, eat healthfully, lose weight and avoid salt. Those are all things I know I should do but it was nice to know someone is going to be checking on me.

I did pretty well yesterday and today. I avoided eating cake at work and cheese at supper. I measured and weighed my food today, too, which was very satisfying to accomplish. And since I had to fast for a while this morning, I did well not to eat something bad after my doctor's appointment.

So, off to a good start!

Summer's End

Okay, so, that course of action (see below) didn't work either. We're dealing with addiction here, so it's not surprising that such timid steps did not prove durable. Summer's nearly over, so what now?

Well, back to the old notion of taking it one day at a time. Today is a day for beginning again.  I'll eat a normal breakfast and lunch and measure and weigh, for a change. Also I'll try to eat slowly and savor my food. Supper will be made by me, so I can control the amount of food I make. Weighing and measuring are important for doing that, so I'm going to do that today.

After supper will be a challenge since I have gotten used to eating sweets at that time.

Maybe the old paper tally would work better for me than trying to do it on the computer. Too time consuming, I think.

We'll see what happens. Can I make it through today at least? We'll see . . .

Something to look forward to . . .

One day at a time, one problem at a time.

Alas, more than a week has gone by with no days to count in the success column! Parts of days, though, were successful. I can get through breakfast and lunch with no problem, usually, especially if I'm at work. But late afternoon and evening can be a challenge, particularly supper time.  After supper can sometimes be a problem, too.

So, how do I solve these problems? Well, that's the question, eh? I need to work on solving these problems one at a time. For instance, after lunch at work I sometimes get hungry. Cottage cheese and fruit does a good job of satisfying me for a couple of hours, but the problem comes when I get hungry too early, like 1 pm or so, then I know I will be hungry again at 3 and what will I eat then? Ah, but at 3 there's only an hour to go, so I can eat an apple at that point and be okay, right? Maybe. Maybe it's okay to eat the cottage cheese, even if it's early.

That's one problem.

What's my challenge today? Eating something while visiting my mom. I need to bring food with me but I seldom remember.  Or maybe I'm deliberately forgetting so I can eat what snacks they have at the home. Today I'll remember to remember and bring some healthy snacks of the type I bring to work. In fact, I should do that every time I go somewhere every day.

We'll see what happens. Maybe I can earn a sticker today.

The Fat of the Pan

Yesterday was pretty much okay, although Sunday was less than perfect. I ate pork chops with the fat still on them--bad idea. Always trim before cooking. Nothing appetizing about cold raw fat, but cooked crispy fat is delicious! Of course, that is one of my trigger foods, so I was playing with fire there. No sticker for Sunday.

Better decisions next time!

One Day at a Time

I've been doing pretty well this week, despite some challenges. I successfully navigated a work day helping my brother-in-law get ready for a yard sale. Normally a change in routine precipitates a change in diet--toward the bad, usually--but I did okay yesterday, bringing food with me so as not to be waylaid by hunger.

The day before, however, I was not so successful. Friday my husband and I went to put flowers on graves at a nearby town and I was caught out without provisions at supper time when I was hungry. We ended up at McDonald's, each having a burger meal that included fries, a milk shake and a boatload of calories. Ah well. That's why I made a better plan the following day.

I deserve a sticker for yesterday (none for Friday, of course), but because I'm taking it one day at a time (in keeping with 12-step tradition), I can forget about the bad decision-making of Friday and go on with my life, resolving to make better decisions in the future.

Wednesdays at Mom's

Today I was challenged by eating supper with Mom. The food was high in carbs and low in protein. I had a cookie for dessert but then I started feeling a craving for more foods like that once I got home. But I reminded myself that that was what I should expect from my trigger foods. I've garnered three stickers so far but I don't think I'll reward myself for one today. Tomorrow is back to basics.

Gold Star Training

Today was day two of my program restart. I had numerous temptations while tooling around the mall area and in the grocery store (I was shopping hungry), but I gave in to none of them. I kept thinking I wouldn't get my sticker if I bought and/or ate any of my trigger foods.

I've created a little sticker system which is reminiscent of elementary school gold stars, a proven method of encouragement, and ultimately, behavior modification. Every day that I stick to my eating plan I get a sticker on the calendar.

I had a little trouble with limiting the amount of pasta I prepared tonight. I made a compromise: usually I make 4 oz for two people; tonight I made just three. That equaled 1.5 breads, which is more than I'm allocated, but I let it go. As I said, it was a compromise. Next time maybe I'll do the 2 oz of pasta which will be just enough, especially if I make less sauce as well.

Now I'm full and glad I stuck to the plan. Also, I'm trying to slow down and enjoy my meal. So far, so good.

Finnegan Begin Again

So, back to basics? Well, I've lost track of the book temporarily, but I've about got it memorized anyway, so I'll start with the subterfuges, because that is the basis for the decisions I make about what I eat. The subterfuges make it possible to eat, and that is the payoff.

So, one subterfuge: I can't refuse to eat any food that is part of a celebration, no matter how paltry.

That one's always good for birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas and Thanksgiving, of course. But it's also good for minor holidays such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, Independence Day, and wedding anniversaries. And then there are trips, visits to relatives or friends, and going out to dinner, where such eating is expected if not required.

Giving in to such "exceptions" to the dietary rule is easy; resisting is not, especially when you've built up years of expectations in the mind of family and friend that you are going to overindulge and everyone wants you to so that you continue to be the person you are.

It's a subterfuge, therefore, because in the end I get to eat. But it's also a challenge because if I want to refuse to eat, I have to go up against family or friends to do so, and they're not always so happy about it. (But I'm starting to like the idea of calling it an allergy--people respect allergies, after all.)

But that's not the only subterfuge. There's the daily mind trick I play that says I have to eat junk to appease my low blood sugar problem. This is a kind of medical subterfuge, a variety of "feed a cold"--if I'm hungry, not just any carbohydrates will do. No, no. They have to be fatty, sugary carbos, such as come in a muffin from the bakery at the student union. Even though two hours later I'll be hungry again no matter what I eat, I tell myself the muffin will be more effective at staving off hunger than the apple.

Not thinking is what makes this all possible. I know my brain is doing this to me, but when the time comes to ignore the brain's insistence, I pretend it's real instead of just brain chemistry.

It's not easy; going against lifelong habits is a very difficult thing to do, but it's the only thing that will work. Breaking the eating and . . . chains, exposing the subterfuges of fat--those are the actions I must take in order to stay slim and deal with my addiction.

The 12 step programs don't lend themselves completely to eating disorders, because food addicts usually don't hurt anybody but themselves; that's why it's still okay to be a food addict. Look at Mike and Molly, the TV show. They are supposed to be trying to fight their addictions, but instead they get lots of laughs from eating too much. It's interesting that alcohol addiction is no longer a cause for laughter, even in sit coms. People drink too much in sit coms, but other people seem worried about them. They don't make fun of them because of it.

So, Finnegan Begin Again today, eh? One day at a time.  I should make some pins to reward myself with.  I can't get the 24 hour pin until tonight because I ate cake last night at around 9 PM. (I found out they don't have 24 hour coins with OA; I'll have to come up with my own.)

So, I'll make a 24-hour pin, a 72-hour pin, and a 1-week pin for myself.

Allergic to Sweets

I think Shirley was wrong about being able to control even your favorite foods, eating a small, normal, thin person's portion.  I used to believe it could be done, but now I know it can't, at least not for me. I'm going to stay at coping level 7 with all the sweets, chips, and other fatty foods. I can't have them around me, and that's that.

They'll be in the house, but I'll have to find a way to avoid those trigger foods.  I have to give them up forever. So when do I want to do this? Hah, that's the problem, isn't it?

But as with alcohol, certain foods trigger overeating--I could end up binging for days, weeks, even months, as I do every year at holiday time. It's so difficult to say no, though, even when what is offered is not appetizing at all. How insidious is this problem? Quite, considering the level of media blitz that is focused on consuming fattening foods.

One show: ad for M&Ms which starts out talking about lack of resistance to chocolate, and has a kind of dark edge to it--the M&M candies don't seem to know they will be eaten, and then that "eating" has a sexual connotation.

Wendy's ad: burgers with cheese that are spicy. Just a picture of the burgers, joke about fire, two-for-one sale to give you an excuse for eating there.  An Arby's commercial remarkably similar. Another Arby's commercial with a "big" fish sandwich with plenty of fatty tartar sauce and a bargain for incentive.

So, the marketers know what people are addicted to, and for most people it's fat and possibly also chocolate.  I can't control those things any more than an alcoholic can control whisky or wine.  I have no trouble sipping a beer and then putting the rest away for days or weeks.  If I had some cake or ice cream or candy, it would not last the night.  I don't feel about sweets the same way I feel about alcohol, and that tells me that there's something different about sweets and their effect on me.

I should think of myself as allergic to these kinds of food. Allergies can be thought of as a heightened sensitivity to the substance in the way that an allergy to bee stings or peanut butter can be. If I have a heightened sensitivity to chocolate, for instance, in that I receive an overly strong stimulus from it, can I consider that an allergy?  Maybe.